Living in a world created by white supremacy and its extension, fatphobia, or the fear of fatness and fat people, dictates how we view bodies and which bodies are seen as beautiful and coded as worthy enough of intimacy and reciprocal pleasure. This notion, known as desirability politics, has not only made it clear that society deems people closer to whiteness (i.e. those who are thin, lighter, able-bodied, and cishet) as valid but it’s even led me to question my identity and self-worth, especially when it comes to connecting with others.
Living in a world created by white supremacy and its extension, fatphobia, or the fear of fatness and fat people, dictates how we view bodies and which bodies are seen as beautiful and coded as worthy enough of intimacy and reciprocal pleasure.
As a Black, fat, non-binary femme, a large part of my liberation rests on owning the intersections of my body, desire, and sexuality. I have spent a lot of time using my work to educate others on the importance of sex neutrality and kink and being pleasure-centric for fat, Black femme bodies. However, when it comes to engaging with other people sexually and/or romantically and putting this knowledge into practice, I still find it quite difficult to find suitable partners that honor my sexual and bodily autonomy and personhood without dehumanizing me because of my size.
Whether it be on dating apps or IRL, I tend to leave situations feeling fetishized and undesirable. Prospective partners always make unsolicited comments about my body and always try to redirect conversations to one-sided, intrusive questions and statements pertaining to hyper-sexualizing my identity. When engaging in sexual acts, I am often left feeling uncared for and as a vessel for someone else’s pleasure and not my own. People have gone out of their way to let me know that my body was a “free-for-all” space to be used and not honored, and these experiences, coupled with constantly dealing with blatant fatphobia, became exhausting.
After examining my relationship with sex, my body, and my identity as a whole, I wondered if my experience was an isolated event or in fact one of the many symptoms of a bigger issue.
After examining my relationship with sex, my body, and my identity as a whole, I wondered if my experience was an isolated event or in fact one of the many symptoms of a bigger issue.
According to digital content creator, Brandon Stewart, the way people engage with our bodies is definitely something that is felt on a communal level. They feel that bodies are not only an integral part of how we are socially stratified but they contribute to our sexual experiences as well.
“When we show up as we are, our intersections determine our experiences,” Stewart says. “If you are fat, Black, [non-binary], and dark skinned like myself, these identities will definitely give you a different perspective.”
When it comes to the discourse on sex, there is an aversion to talking about it from an intersectional lens, especially when it comes to discussing marginalized bodies. One topic that most people have been avoiding altogether is fat sex, or how larger-bodied people are treated and engaged with in sex spaces.
From a personal standpoint, Jalisa Elite, a cam model, content creator, and Domme, says that her body has been at the forefront of her sexual encounters. “I’ve had experiences where partners have hyper-focused on body parts that I expressed no interest in receiving special attention to,” she states. “It surpassed a general appreciation of my body and honestly took all the fun out of it. I expect to attract people who find my body attractive, but I don’t want to deal with someone [who is] focused on one part of my body.”
But the issue doesn’t stop here. The perception of fat sex goes beyond fatphobia and into the realm of fat fetishism, where larger bodies, especially larger, Black bodies, are viewed as vessels of consumption for someone else’s pleasure without reciprocity. Also known as chubby chasing, which is usually hidden under the guise of fat amory, the fetishization of fat, Black bodies leads to objectification and encounters that lack pleasure and consent.
The perception of fat sex goes beyond fatphobia and into the realm of fat fetishism, where larger bodies, especially larger, Black bodies, are viewed as vessels of consumption for someone else’s pleasure without reciprocity.
A prime example? The “BBW” porn category. An acronym popularized by Drake that stands for “big, beautiful woman”, this category is one of the most viewed on Pornhub. Comparable to other categories, a vast majority of “BBW” porn is made from the white, male gaze, featuring content that censors cishet, male bodies conquering larger femme, primarily Black and femme, bodies. In these scenes, excessive force and farcical tropes such as mounting the femmes like animals and wearing work boots on the bed are commonplace, and scenes that depict fatness as autonomous, pleasurable, consensual, and versatile are few and far in between.
Because of the cultural and pornographic influences, “BBW” and its themes have become a ubiquitous descriptor and symbol of fat, Black femmes and fat sex. However, it is far from endearing and is found by many to be quite dehumanizing and monolithic.
“In general, I hate the term BBW. It’s othering and fetishizing instead of just describing me,” Elite remarks. “I hate how a porn category has people calling all plus size women and femme-presenting people ‘BBWs’ whether they want that or not.”
In addition to the lack of humanity that is attached to this term, it does not take into account intersectionality, is reductive, and even leads to misgendering larger-bodied folk.
“‘BBW’ suggests that the people who you are seeing [or referring to] identify as women and that they only want to have cishet sex. I think using this is really problematic and small-minded, especially with all the content and education centered around gender identities,” says Stewart. “It needs to perish.”
Similar to the BBW category, depictions of fat sex in gay porn are quite limited as well, only featuring Black bodies with white counterparts, if Black bodies are even featured at all.
“Whenever I see porn with fat bodies, it [normally] centers fat, white bodies. It hardly includes people who identify as or are visibly different.” Stewart remarks.
Despite being harmful, the BBW and similar fat sex-oriented porn categories are some of the only ways that fat adult content creators and pornstars can gain visibility and survive.
Despite being harmful, the BBW and similar fat sex-oriented porn categories are some of the only ways that fat adult content creators and pornstars can gain visibility and survive. Although she despises the term, when it comes to work, Elite expresses that it’s a necessary evil for content creators when trying to drive traffic to their work. “I am more indifferent to it because I know adding ‘BBW’ to a title or searchable tag will make it easier to find for those looking for content featuring body types they like.”
Fed up and ready for change, fat content creators and constituents of the larger body community alike are calling for people to shift the narrative and reclaim power over their bodies. On an industry level, Stewart urges folks to create and support those who are creating the ethical and inclusive porn that they want to see.
“I am a fan of amateur porn and mostly watch independent content produced for Twitter and/or OnlyFans audiences because it’s easier to curate the content you’re consuming that way,” they state.
I, myself, have started being more selective with the porn I consume because I wanted to see myself and the sexual experiences that I was yearning to have. I wanted to see more fat, Black femme bodies in consensual encounters that experimented with different positions, locations, and types of play. I wanted to consume more content that showed us as versatile and nuanced.
I wanted to see more fat, Black femme bodies in consensual encounters that experimented with different positions, locations, and types of play. I wanted to consume more content that showed us as versatile and nuanced.
This mentality is also impactful to fat sex on a personal level, and it starts with stating your needs, unpacking internalized fatphobia, and divorcing oneself from a scarcity mindset that forces them to believe that having sex with chubby chasers or people that don’t see their humanity is the only option they have.
For multi-award-winning erotic fiction author and sexfluencer, Scotty Unfamous, advocating for equitable and pleasurable sexual experiences includes more, diverse fat representation, but it also starts a little closer to home.
“It starts with you! You don’t have to wait for permission to love yourself, nor do you have to put up with people who want you to feel like you are less than or want to treat you like such because of your size. Fuck them,” she says.
Self-advocacy for fat folk also looks like stating your needs and saying “no”. Elite encourages us that one of the best ways to fight against fat fetishism is by being “very firm in enforcing your boundaries and limits, and anytime someone crosses them, call them out. Make your feelings known.”
You and your vessel are deserving of pleasure, orgasms, and all the positive sexual experiences that you are seeking, period.
Fat sex is powerful and is more than the negative and false tropes that are attributed to it. It’s a consensual and pleasure-centric experience that should be body-affirming. To all the larger-bodied folk who may be reading this, know that your body may inform how you navigate in this world, but it is never something that should deny you autonomy and humanity. You and your vessel are deserving of pleasure, orgasms, and all the positive sexual experiences that you are seeking, period.
