As I gave my genitals the delicate finger wipe during a recent morning shower, a poem spontaneously popped into my head.
“Sometimes I have clit smegma
Sometimes I have toilet paper clumps stuck to my labia
Sometimes I have skid marks on my thongIt all washes away. Doesn’t ruin my “mood”, does it ruin yours?”
Because I essentially am paid to overshare for a living, I took a picture of myself smiling and squatting with my middle finger emerging out of my crotch, and made this poem the caption. I released it into the wild of social media, expecting reactions ranging from “ew” to “lol”, but this post struck a nerve more than I had expected.
People from all walks of life lost their shit. Of course I got, “clean yourself nasty bitch” as expected, but they cited the post to demean my intelligence and mental health, and made jokes along the lines of “this is why women don’t deserve rights”. There was an assumption that I had never learned to “properly” wipe myself or clean my body, fully ignoring the fact that toilet paper lint on your vagina gets there… from wiping?
In fact, people detested this post so much that I got “ratioed” on Twitter, meaning the Tweets making fun of me got more “likes” than my original Tweet. The reactions on Twitter went on for 4 days following the post. It’s always stressful to have thousands of strangers belittling you online, but I am a highly sensitive person who wants EVERYONE to like me.
But this wasn’t my first rodeo. When I was able to get past my bruised ego — because let’s be real, getting dragged always sucks — there was also an outpouring of positivity. Someone even made a song out of the poem! It was adorable and validated the goofiness of it all, just as I’d intended.
I wasn’t personally ashamed of myself or the post, and clearly it was hitting on something. I’d rather have people be disgusted than have my admittedly funky style of educating go without reactions. Everyone’s foreskin, clitoral hood, and genital folds produce the sebaceous secretions we call smegma (circumcised penises, of course, produce less), and no one has perfectly wiped themselves clean every single time. This is just a more nuanced version of Everybody Poops. So why are people so freaked out by the things that come with the territory of having a body?
I suppose it’s a bubble burster. People like to think their shit doesn’t stink, and women don’t poop! is a joke we have all heard. Meanwhile, “septic masculinity” is a thing.
Furthermore, I don’t think people even know what smegma really is — I saw a lot of people confusing smegma (a sebum-like natural oil) with vaginal discharge. Don’t get me wrong, discharge is also a natural thing that doesn’t deserve to be shamed, but by the end of it all I realized that people were freaking out over things that they didn’t fully understand and chalked it up to me just being a gross lady.
Because circumcision is a cultural norm in the United States, I would guess that the people who were terrified of smegma not only misunderstood it, but had never encountered foreskin or looked at a clitoris up close before. People have the impression that smegma it’s like a cheesy cauldron of burbling fluid, when in reality they’re more like little skin boogers. I know that isn’t exactly enticing either.
I have small anatomy and my clitoral hood covers about half of my external clitoris when I’m ~flaccid~. Smegma gets up in there! I have relatively small inner labia, and smegma also appears in those folds. Smegma really doesn’t discriminate.
I know for many, smegma is thought of as an exclusively penis-related matter. People opt into ignorance when it comes to vulvas for some reason (including me, regarding my own body, when I was a teen.) We have understood penises for ages, but have only recently started to research vulvas. The word “clitoris” is still censored from medical journals. So it makes sense that people freak out over ordinary “gross” vagina things.
It’s also difficult to observe your own labia without a hand mirror. I have spoken to countless people who don’t know where their external clitoris is. The clitoris, particularly the internal structure, is missing from nearly every anatomy diagram. Genitals are homologous structures, and this would be like not knowing where the head of your penis is or knowing that the shaft of your penis even exists. The patriarchy thrives when people with vulvas are kept in the dark about their own bodies. Unless you have very intentionally explored labia before, it’s easy to have absolutely no idea what’s going on. It’s not unusual whatsoever. I say this as a person who spent life until age 20 having no desire to really look at myself and know what was between my legs.
But now I have vulva awareness thanks to my hand mirror. Regardless of how well I clean my body, or how hard I spray my anus with my bidet, little gifts still exist on my genitals once in a while. Having “hygiene” does not mean that your body stops secreting oils and poop flecks after you clean yourself. Furthermore, what IS a “clean” body? Having an obsession with cleanliness does far more damage to your mind and body than choosing not to “groom” it.
If you encounter a poo fleck before sex, that may be gross to you. That’s fine, but once it’s washed away, why should that stop you from having sex? We should all be having sex on our own terms, but I think it’s pretty silly to let the human body’s natural gunk cancel sex. I think it’s so harmful to our self esteem to consider our bodies a dirty place that constantly needs cleaning. You will never have a sterile body, it’s just not possible.
Outside of the unrealistic hygiene standards, how do we take care of our genitals and care for things like smegma? A bit of warm water and a gentle finger wipe on the external areas needing attention does the trick. The vagina is a self-cleaning organ, and never needs to be “cleaned out”. While it isn’t mandatory, you can use mild soaps EXTERNALLY for those sweaty days, but that is not mandatory.
I can speak from my personal experience as a sex educator who talks to people about their bodies on a daily basis, but I don’t look at a wide variety of genitals on a daily basis. Therefore, I bring you some hot takes from various professionals who look at crotches every day for a living. Enjoy!
Olivia, Massage Attendant
I work in an adult erotic massage parlour where I see the genitals of people of all genders on the daily! I have been doing this for a few years now.
Because I have a background in sex education, my understanding of genitals hasn’t changed TOO much but it certainly has, to an extent. Where I work, we have showers on site, allowing people to “freshen up” if they feel necessary. I find that people either fall into the category of “over” or “under” preparing.
This being said, bums are typically the area that tends to be “neglected”, for lack of a better term. Poop, toilet paper, it’s there. Sometimes (often) even after clients have opted for a shower. If you have a hairy bum it’s even easier to overlook something like poop bits or TP.
MA’s (massage attendants) will often have the other employees do “checks” on them to make sure they don’t have any lingering toilet paper hanging around before they go into appointments. And guess what? A lot of the times we do!
With customers, a lot of the time they will begin to realize mid-session that they aren’t as “fresh” as they may have thought. Things I’ve experienced are: skid-marks on the sheets, smega (both under penile foreskin and clitoral hoods), and unpleasant odors that worsen with play. I’ve never had a client speak up about their hygiene but after the session but I have seen clients try and cover up skid-marks on the sheets or suggest “shower play” instead of massage. Their embarrassment about their natural bodily functions goes unspoken but is evident from their actions.
If you are someone who’s uncomfortable with poop and smegma, or just prefer to be squeaky clean, a fun way to start play is to begin in the bath or shower (if that’s accessible to you). Beginning in the shower or bath gives you the opportunity to both clean each other and engage in play.
Lastly, I wanted to add in something a female client of mine brought up. She continuously apologized to me for not having shaved and then made a comment about how even though she was comfortable with me engaging with her genitals, she felt the need to neatly fold up her underwear and hide in under her pants because, y’know, smega, discharge, poop, normal stuff that your body does. I chuckled and we talked about how damning the blacklight can be if you have even the tiniest bit of discharge. Bodies do “gross” stuff. Yours does, mine does, everyone’s does.
Tatiana, Stripper & Artist
It’s Tati! Let’s talk about all this nonsensical rage over vaginas doing vagina things. It will never cease to amaze me how much people freak out over naturally occurring things on the body, especially when it comes to women but I digress.
I’m a very proud stripper as you know and being a stripper is a very sweaty job, especially if you’re a hard working one. On top of sweating, you’re wearing tiny little “one size fits all” g strings while grinding on people. Hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but there’s a whole lotta smegma up in any strip club. Many strippers, including myself are wise enough to have multiple g strings and wet wipes in their work bags at all times, because although something like smegma and discharge is naturally occurring, it’s good to take the right precautions to ensure you’re taking good care of your money maker.
I really have to emphasize a couple points your brought up in your story. To anyone with a vagina that thinks they are somehow above having smegma, you need to pull your head out of the clouds. Your belief that having and not having smegma is a sign of stellar hygiene or lack thereof is immature and honestly, a sign of internalized misogyny. If anyone were to pull up the hood of their clit at this very moment, they’d surely find something, unless of course they just stepped out of the shower and made sure to clean all their nooks and crannies with love and care. Also the fact that lots of people know that smegma is a naturally occurring and harmless thing, but only when it comes to penises, namely those that are uncircumcised, which are also met with a lot of misunderstand and body shaming.
It seems that many people fail to understand genitalia outside of what is taught in very limited health/ sex ed classes and main stream porn and then react with anger when they are met with realities outside of their “knowledge” on these matters.
Anonymous, Nurse for 2 years
By the end of the day all the vaginas mould into one, and you’re definitely not sat there thinking about that bit of toilet paper on someone’s bum. I find people will feel very anxious about things a lot of the time I won’t even notice, like they might tell me they are getting a lot of abnormal discharge (which I would of course do swabs for) but don’t necessarily see that there is an unusual amount… I think a lot of this comes from miseducation, or no education! Other things like hair follicle bumps are really common, I think some women worry about these because they deem them unsightly, but they’re maybe seeing them from a different angle and a magnifying glass mirror is definitely going to magnify something which isn’t a problem into something that might make you worry. Also no matter how well you clean sometimes there is bits of poo left there that you might of just missed, and definitely bits of toilet roll is a common occurrence as some tend to rub really hard to get extra ‘clean’ with it, but then it just tends to form in clumps. However any of this would not bother me in the slightest as long as the rest of what I’m seeing is healthy. I think we’re taught to feel like our naked bodies are disgusting and something to be ashamed of, and working in this job is a good antidote to that thought stream.
I get a lot of apologies — ‘sorry you must hate this job’ ‘I could never be a nurse’ ‘sorry I’ve not shaved’ ‘sorry I’m really nervous’ to which I reply, ‘I don’t hate it all, I don’t find vaginas disgusting’ ‘you don’t need to apologize for the way you feel’ etc. In reality, [pap smears are] just like taking a blood sample.
Anonymous, Medical Student
There are loads of things that people come to the clinic with, usually worrying they have an STI, which are completely normal! Some of the main ones we are specifically taught about (just because they are such common worries) are: pearly penile papules, sebaceous cysts, blocked gland, fordyce Spots, Folliculitis, rashes from shaving, Vaginal papillomatosis, and Hymenal remnants.
Often people have had these their whole lives, but for some reason they start actively looking for an STI. Maybe they had unprotected sex and are now worried they might have something (obviously still good to get an STI screen) but people can get very worried when they suddenly notice lumps and bumps they didn’t realize were there!
A lot of people seem to identify STI’s as something that ‘certain people’ will get. For instance, someone might come to get screened and say ‘I’m not that kind of person’. I think that attitude is really unhelpful, since loads of people get STI’s, so inevitably loads of people are feeling shameful about getting them. Obviously safe sex is really important but also most people are sexually active, shit happens, and STIs are really fucking common among people from a variety of backgrounds.
On a colloquial note – I once was having sex with someone and when they took off my pants I had a massive square of toilet paper stuck to my bum. I also had no idea about most of the normal things listed above. I think I’m much more comfortable with my genitals knowing just how different they can be from one another, and not just have the image in my mind from porn/the media of how my genitals should look. Some people can be really disheartened by things like smell and end up cleaning themselves furiously, which results in a really dry and unhealthy genitals. Things like this, I find really frustrating.
Shelby, Body Waxer/Esthetician
I do about 30 Brazilians a day at the most. I hardly ever see a “perfect” crotch. [Everyone] has scarring from ingrown hairs, stretch marks and blackheads on their thighs, and skin boils — I feel like I’ve seen it all. I never bring up any of their issues unless they mention it to me first. I don’t want to make them feel even more self conscience about their body. If there’s every any smegma, toilet paper particles, discharge or blood I honestly just wax over it. The only thing that will make me uncomfortable in a service is if a client kicks me. That’s where I draw the line.
Everyone I work with is very nice and we’re all used to everything as well. We would never turn away a client because they smelled, or whatever the case may be. I’ve had clients talking bad about “dirty” clients yet I’m waxing the leftover poo off their butthole as they speak. Everyone thinks their the most hygienic in the world but we’re all only human.
Body hair is normal. Ingrown hairs, boils, leftover blood, poop specks, smegma, discharge. All completely normal. I’ve never seen a “perfect” crotch. Never in my life. And your wax lady isn’t judging you. We promise. We couldn’t pick your genitals out of a lineup.
Lindsay Monroe, Body Waxer/Esthetician of 17 years
The amount of times that I’ve just spread wax over a giant skid mark or a chunk of gooey discharge is innumerable. Anyone who’s grossed out by the body shouldn’t be doing this job. Also, ingrowns, scars from past ingrowns, c-section scars that look angry, hair growing down your thighs and across your butt is all so normal! As far as how it affects my work, it really doesn’t. I want everyone who walks into my room to feel amazing by the time they leave. The more casual and comfortable I am, the comfortable my client feels. Laughing, joking and reassuring them that there’s no one “normal”, that they’re perfect as is. Oh also, tampon strings are no big deal. I joke that we’re homies for life when I’ve moved your tampon string into your butt crack so it doesn’t get stuck in the wax.
Not many women see the labia of other women, outside of porn, so most have no idea how wildly varied they are. Seeing genitals under a mag light, up close and personal for so many years has, again, taught me that there is no one “normal”. There are coin purses, sting rays, blooming flowers and seashells. Large clits and small clits, high clits and low clits.
When I was in my early 20s I had a boyfriend who told me that my “body was built wrong for sex” because my clit sits lower than a lot of women’s. Until I started waxing, I had no idea that there was so much variance in the position and size of the clit. I had spent years thinking that I was abnormal because of one comment from a shitty dude.
This job has also made me check in with my vagina a lot more. How can you know if something is off if you don’t smell, touch and taste yourself? Many of my clients have never even looked at themselves down there with a mirror. One woman was 35 years old and confessed to me she had no idea what her labia looked like. I handed her a mirror and though she did look, her response was to recoil. Seeing that kind of reaction has pushed me to love myself more because no genitals or bodies in general deserve that repulsion.
The amount of times women apologize to me as soon as they enter the room is astounding. They apologize for their bodies, that I “have to do this”, for the amount of hair that they have. First off, telling someone that you feel bad for them because of their profession is a crap thing to do. Girl, I work 4 days a week max, make my own hours, I’m my own boss and I make amazing money. So shush.
Then I have a lot of pregnant women apologize for their genitals because obviously labias change during that time. There’s more blood flow there and everything gets puffy and engorged. So normal! Yet such a source of shame for women who are already going through this amazing and gnarly thing.The apologies have got to stop! As women we’re so used to saying sorry for every little thing, including things we have no control over. Don’t say sorry about the size of your labia, your hemorrhoids or your tummy pooch. Clients will even apologize for not shaving their legs when all I’m doing is giving them a bikini wax.
Sometimes I have a really hard time with equating what I do for work with being a feminist. I tell myself I’m here to provide a service if it’s wanted. I don’t think anyone needs to rip out all their pubic hair to be sexy. But it’s hard to not feel like I’m contributing to the expectation that women be smooth baby seals at all times. At this point girls are waxing off their hair as soon as it grows in. We’re raising a generation of boys that will expect hairless crotches. That’s terrifying. I have mothers bringing in their 12 year old girls for bikini waxes and 9 year olds for lip waxes. We’re passing this body shame to our daughters and it’s hard to see.
Men can have hair all the way up to the head of their penis. The density of ball skin varies a ton as does the size of the balls. Everyone always wants to know if it’s weird to touch random men’s dicks. For me, it’s only weird if they make it weird. I have had a handful of upsetting experiences with male clients over the years. From intentional erections (as opposed to fleeting fluffiness due to the fact that yes, someone is touching your dick but knowing now is not the time to give in to that), to massively inappropriate remarks and invitations to threesomes. For the most part though, I adore my male clientele. I’ve cultivated a well behaved and delightful group and now only take new ones on with referrals. Oh and there’s literally no body shame with men. No man ever apologizes to me. They are unapologetic about their bodies, their dicks and their desire to have hairless junk.
The only thing that I wish everyone knew is that genitals are like snowflakes. Yours isn’t weird, bad or upsetting. Any person who tells you that your labia is too big/lopsided/hairy/whatever is a person that needs to be shown to the door. Anyone who makes it into your underwear should be nothing less than thrilled to be there. If you work on loving yourself first then you’ll never let anyone get away with telling you how you “should” be.
Xoe Jade (@babyforestfairy), full service sex worker
I am NOTORIOUS for having toilet paper stuck to my labia. I am usually very meticulous about picking the pieces out, but I am a human. Sometimes I get busy, or it doesn’t even cross my mind. I was seeing one of my regulars and they were about to go down on me like many times before, but they stopped and giggled a little. They broke scene so I was confused and concerned so I asked what was funny. They said, “Not to alarm you but you have some T.P. in your pussy.” I immediately got embarrassed and was like give me three minutes, I’ll go clean up. They stopped me and said not to worry and THEY meticulously picked every little piece out from all the nooks and crannies! My client made me feel more comfortable with my body than I ever have, and I’ve been shameless of toilet paper pussy ever since!
I also experience thong skid marks, shit comes out even after you wipe sometimes. I’ve never had it interfere with my work, most of clients are incredibly understanding! The worst I’ve had was being asked to go wash up, which isn’t bad at all!!
Another experience I had was when a client pooped a little during orgasm! They were SO self conscious, but I assured them it was totally fine and normal! Muscles relax, sometimes you fart when a chiropractor squeezes your back, sometimes you shit a little after a body shattering orgasm! Totally normal!
Anonymous, Esthetician
I’ve been an esthetician for two years now, but started doing Brazilians while I was in school, so about 3 years. The first thing that comes to mind when I think about doing brazillian waxes is that everyone uses the term “vagina.” Most people aren’t aware that your vagina is internal and everything else is your vulva. The second thing that is always a deal is menstruation. When women book their appointments they always pull out their calendars to make sure they don’t have their period when they come in to get waxed. When I tell someone it’s totally fine for them to get waxed on their period they always look horrified and say something like “oh no, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Women who do come in with tampons in are always very embarrassed and go into this “I’m so sorry, I forgot I was gonna have my period.” They act like it’s such an inconvenience to me, but as an esthetician and a woman, I am perfectly used to and comfortable with menstrual blood.
On a tangent, while I was reading an article about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie there was a quote from the director talking about how of course he immediately cut the “tampon scene”, where Christian pulls out Anastasia’s tampon before they have sex. This always pissed me off cause it’s such a normal thing for a guy to remove a girl’s tampon before sex. What a nice gesture and thank you for not making me lean down and pull it out myself. My boyfriend does it for me all the time. We need more to de-stigmatize this. My boyfriend also pulls toilet paper pieces out from between my labia sometimes before sex if some got stuck. And he always says “hey, it happens.”
Back to waxing. When you are waxing someone’s genitals you don’t sit there and think “oh I’m staring at this girl’s crotch.” You’re looking at is as a waxer; which way does the hair grow, where would it be best for me to lay my next strip? I see all of it as a job to be done. Ingrown hairs and little bumps from irritation or dead skin buildup is completely normal for everyone. I got a brazillian a month ago after not getting one in a year and I got so many ingrown hairs I looked like I had chicken pox on my pubic mound. They are just finally going away.
You may think your genitals are abnormal because you don’t see a ton of others up close. But if you look around everyone is just as weird which means we are all normal. Bodies are alive and always producing waste in many different ways. You would be weird if you didn’t have any bumps or discharge or toilet paper stuck to you.
