When I started working in the sex toy industry I thought I had seen it all. To my surprise, I found myself at work stumbling upon toys and saying “…What the fuck am I looking at right now?” and “Is that supposed to be a body part?”
That’s why I needed Dildo Nightmares (Instagram @dildonightmares). To be blunt, you can’t make this shit up. I needed other people to see the bizarre toys I came across, and the hysterical stock photos I found. I wanted to connect with other people and professionals that love sex as much as I do – enough to really laugh (and often cringe) about it.
Sit back and grab some popcorn, because a goddamn horror show is about to begin...
With spooky season in full swing, I’ve dug up my top 20 creepiest Dildo Nightmares of all time for you! Sit back and grab some popcorn, because a goddamn horror show is about to begin…
20. The Cronenberg
“After centuries in hiding, the monstrosity surfaces…”
19. A Pocket Pussy With A Bush
“Designed by someone who has 100% seen a real bush before and tried extremely hard.”
17. The Leftovers Dildo
“How much for the apron?”
16. The Man in a Little Hat
“You can’t unsee it now.”
14. Severed Sex Doll Replacement Hands
“That saxophone is getting the hand job of a lifetime.”
13. Wheel of Vulvas
“I’d like to buy a vowel. AAAAAAAAAA”
“Flip it upside down to give your partner a flower they won’t forget. How romantic!”
8. The Cervix Invader
“Turn this to the side for a snowman-faced surprise!”
6. The “We Ran Out of Eyes and Eyelashes” Stroker
“Don’t worry, it has teeth.”
5. The Whisper of the Penis Onahole
“In case you needed something to completely ruin Q-Tips for you.”
2. The Boobie Trap
“Finally, no more awkward eye contact during sex!”
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Did I scare the hell out of you? Don’t worry, there will always be more where that came from. They can’t all be winners! Follow me on Instagram @DildoNightmares!
