We’ve all heard the old adage, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. While the original colloquialism may have been about a fruit rich in Vitamin C to help our bodies fend off illness proactively—every community, every group has its own apple.When it comes to the world of sex, the orgasm is the apple. Okay, maybe rubbing one out won’t help you fend off the flu, but they’re incredibly important and powerful. There’s a lot to be said for a good O. Orgasms help to release pleasant hormones such as Oxytocin and endorphins that can support emotional wellness.
For many people, that can be a powerful way to relieve stress and even physical pain.
But what does that mean for the people who, for whatever reason, can’t achieve orgasm on a regular basis? With so much emphasis on the Almighty O, what if you can’t get off every time… or at all?
You don’t need help. You don’t need to be fixed. It’s not your fault.
If you’re not able to reach your climax on the regs—whether it’s during intercourse or masturbation or both—you are not alone. There are tons of reasons that people all around the world aren’t cumming as often as they’d like, no matter how badly they want to. Things like chronic pain/illness, anxiety, stress and more keep people from achieving orgasm all the time. And, if that’s happening to you, you’re not broken. You don’t need help. You don’t need to be fixed. It’s not your fault. And—if you’ve talked and worked on it and it’s still not working—it’s probably not your partner’s fault either. But, maybe you’re still asking yourself, Why mess with the sticky toys and juicy fingers if I’m not even going to cum? If orgasms have all these amazing benefits and I’m not getting them isn’t continuing to masturbate/have sex kind of like buying a movie and never watching it? You get the rush of doing it but never have the full experience of watching it.
Let’s be honest here, in terms of apples, the orgasm is just the peel.
Not at fucking all. Look, friends, it is a fact that orgasms have tons of great benefits. But so does sex. So does masturbation. So does touching yourself in the bathtub. No matter how seldom you’re doing it, no matter how “successful” you deem your attempts, the orgasm isn’t the only way to reap the benefits of physical intimacy. (Yeah, that’s the word I’m using. And it covers masturbation too. Don’t @ me.) Let’s be honest here, in terms of apples, the orgasm is just the peel. It might be the most direct way to get to the most commonly discussed benefits of sex and masturbation—but it sure isn’t the only way.
Even without orgasm, the benefits of spending time with ourselves or with our partners are incredible—and extremely similar to the benefits of sex or masturbation sessions that include a climactic end. And, in case you think that you have to at least be aroused to get in on the profits, there are also perks to things like spending more time naked. Just being nude can help you become more comfortable with your body, more at peace with yourself. Nudity alone can help to relieve stress and help us to unwind at the end of the day. (Anybody who’s ever taken their bra off at the front door after a long day at work can attest to this. It’s a fact.) You don’t even have to be awake naked. Sleeping in your birthday suits reaps the exact same benefits as it can in your waking hours.
The effects of having these smaller positive touches—like hugging, kissing, and hand-holding—spread out throughout the day each day can do more for improving our mental and emotional health than an orgasm a day can.
If you’re able to touch but not always able to have sex, you’re not left out. Positive or sensual touch can trigger the release of the same yummy brain chemicals that orgasms give us—although not in such a quick, concentrated burst. In fact, the effects of having these smaller positive touches—like hugging, kissing, and hand-holding—spread out throughout the day each day can do more for improving our mental and emotional health than an orgasm a day can. Although it can take longer to feel these benefits than to feel the instant gratification or orgasm, they also take longer to dissipate and are more easily sustained. Beyond that, touching and being together is a fantastic way to build intimacy, companionship, and comfort—whether it’s between partners or just with yourself. When we touch each other, we get to know each other better. When we touch ourselves, we get to know ourselves better. We learn what makes us tick. We learn what gets our blood flowing. We learn how to be at peace with that. And that’s benefit enough on its own.
And, of course, there are those of us who can have sex but don’t always reach the finish line. And, believe it or not, that’s normal for people of all genders. Orgasms often require focus. Sometimes something as simple as being distracted can put the kibosh on a good time. But, it doesn’t have to if the orgasm isn’t the only goal. Having sex is something that feels good, whether we’re cumming or not. And, let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good just to make our partners feel good. And that’s okay. Not being able to cum doesn’t always mean that you and your partner aren’t doing something right. Sometimes it just means that your head’s not in the game. Sometimes it’s just a matter of something throwing off your groove. But it still feels good doesn’t it?
Maybe, in all the buzz about orgasms, we forget the reason we stuck our hand in our pants to begin with.
And that’s the point isn’t it? Yes, orgasms feel good. (Well, usually anyway. I’ve had more than my fair share of shy orgasms that I don’t even realize are orgasms until after they’ve passed. And, yeah, that’s pretty normal too.) But they aren’t the only thing about sex and masturbation that feel good. Sex can feel good without the orgasm. Masturbation can be valuable to people in a lot of ways without climax. Maybe, in all the buzz about orgasms, we forget the reason we stuck our hand in our pants to begin with. Because it felt good.
Maybe an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But apples alone do not a healthy diet make, do they. And if we all gave up on the pursuit of pleasure because we failed to reach orgasm, how many of us would still be trying today? Personally, I spent years touching and fucking myself before I even knew what an orgasm felt like. But, if I had just given up, I wouldn’t be where I am today. The fact is that, when we make orgasm the goal of sex, we’re not just missing out on other benefits. We’re also stressing ourselves out—and that can turn into a vicious cycle more easily than anyone realizes. Before we know it, we feel like we’ve lost our mojo and that’s a whole new thing to lose sleep about.
You are not broken, friends. Relax. Take a breath. It’s not always about cumming. And that’s okay. Do what feels good. And remember that it does feel good, whether you end up cumming or not.