Today I sit in front of my keyboard figuring out how to start yet another article about masturbation. Wanking, playing with yourself, jacking off: whatever the euphemism, it’s still strange to me that despite the fact that getting yourself off is so incredibly normal, it’s still shrouded in—for the most part—secrecy and shame. When people discuss sex acts, they relegate touching yourself to something only done in solo-play: that’s why you hear so many people insist “I don’t need a sex toy, I have a partner!” Masturbation is seen as a way to ‘hold yourself off’ until you get with someone who will get freaky with you—very few mainstream narratives about sex depict masturbation in all it’s glory, as something you can most definitely do with a pal (or two, or three…) Below, some of the many benefits to inviting an audience into your playtime.
Maybe the idea of having someone touch you is triggering or just undesirable, maybe you need some zero-risk play from an STI standpoint, or maybe one partner gets hornier than the other/s.
It’s a teaching tool
One of my first hook-ups was with a partner that I had absolutely amazing chemistry with over text and while we were flirting — all of that, however, promptly flew out the window while we were actually hooking up. I remember being pretty confused about why they were doing things a certain way, but A) feeling like we were too in the moment to start a conversation and B) feeling confident I could just maneuver around and readjust until it felt better. Though you should always feel comfortable enough to state your needs in every stage of a sexual act, sometimes nerves get to us: you don’t want to hurt their feelings and/or you don’t have the vocabulary to tell them what you want. Inviting your partner to watch you masturbate can be a way to show, not tell. Bullets, which are some of the cheapest and best beginner toys out there (Blush’s iconic Gaia could be yours for the low price of $9), can be effective teacher’s assistants in these situations: they provide pinpoint stimulation while being small enough that they won’t ~obstruct the view~. You may want to also check out books on solo sex if you’re struggling to voice what you need: authors like Emily Nagoski, Betty Dodson, and Mantak Chia & Douglas Abrams have written in-depth guides to figuring out what your body loves and expanding the vocabulary to explain it.
It’s intimacy with distance
Not only will your partner/s not be able to read your mind, their libidos may not totally match yours (shocker! It’s almost like every human is different). Inviting your partner to watch you masturbate can provide all the intimacy and orgasms without the stress of physical touch. Maybe the idea of having someone touch you is triggering or just undesirable, maybe you need some zero-risk play from an STI standpoint, or maybe one partner gets hornier than the other/s. Regardless, being together while one gets off can mirror all the excitement and hotness of hooking up together. Maybe you make a ‘look but don’t touch’ rule where you clean the bedroom together before one of you gets all dressed up and makes a big show out of it (I texted my friend Aby about writing this article who half-jokingly suggested “wear a glittery vest for solo shows. Give your partner the full Judy Garland!”). Maybe you shop together for non-phallic or non-realistic toys like the Rocks Off Bamboo vibrator, NJoy Pure wand, and Svakom Hedy masturbator, which more closely resemble something you’ve seen in a modern art museum than in the sex toy shop, and help them get off by providing extra stimulation or just cheering them on! There are lots of ways to make it really, really steamy without any genital-to-genital contact.
You can do it online!
With the rise of technology comes the rise of long distance relationships, comes (no pun intended) cyber sex. The sky is really the limit here. If you’re not with your partner as often as you’d like to be, nudes, porn, and even your own sex tapes can be a really hot way to get close when you’re miles or time zones apart. Your foreplay can be sexting (words, pics, vids, you know what’s up), before you can facetime or skype with the full ~live performance~. Watching eachother jack off is pretty sexy already, but I’d like to encourage you to use the online element to your advantage. Test them on their digital literacy by surprising them with a cameo from Blush’s new butt plug line, which features saucy sayings on the heart-shaped base. Hunt for porn videos that fulfill a fantasy or even have actors that look like people that turn you on (you, your boo/s, that one mutual celebrity crush you both will find any excuse to support)! Form an erotica book club! Pay a camgirl together! Collaborate on a playlist of sexy songs! Though a toy can’t replace human contact, Spectrum stocks some uber-realistic toys you can pair with some dirty talk, like thrusters, suction vibrators, or even the silicone models of your own genitals (check out the Clone-a-Pussy and Clone-a-Willy kits). If you’ve filmed yourselves fucking, re-watch it and reminisce. Aw, the nostalgia! All you need is an internet connection, some headphones, some privacy and some conversations about it beforehand (never send a nude without asking first: my friends have been dating for years and still send each other an emoji as a handy-dandy code word beforehand.)
Ultimately, just as it goes with every other part of a relationship, what will make this and any other sex endeavor as exciting and mutualistic as possible will be clear commmunication and respecting eachother’s boundaries.
It can get kinky
I can’t talk about watching someone get freaky without talking about the unlimited potential of making it really, really kinky. You can have a field day with the voyeur/exhibitionist element of this situation alone: maybe you indulge in some ‘oh no, I’m walking in on this sexy stranger’ role play (this can be done over facetime as well, for all my long distance babes) or for those more familiar with the kink scene, maybe you head to a play party and find a larger audience to cheer you on. You can wear a vibrator discreetly, like in your underwear, and have your partner/s control it, though you need to make sure you’re in a space where that sort of play is approved beforehand by everyone present (sorry 50 Shades of Gray, having an orgasm in an elevator around strangers borders on very unethical behavior) You can play up the D/s dynamics by enforcing chastity with a belt or cock cage until playtime, experimenting with forced orgasms or edging with a remote controlled vibrator (We-Vibe’s Chorus or Aneros’ Vice), or have your partner/s instruct you about how exactly you should be using your toy. The possibilities are endless, and super hot too.
Ultimately, just as it goes with every other part of a relationship, what will make this and any other sex endeavor as exciting and mutualistic as possible will be clear commmunication and respecting eachother’s boundaries.
