How to Engage in BDSM More Safely & Ethically as a Newbie

All the Important Stuff You Didn't Learn From 50 Shades of Grey

Have you ever been curious about diving into BDSM? Fantasized about being dominated or submitting to another? Do you fantasize about living out your wildest best kinky life but have no idea where to start? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are reading the right article. Let’s face it, it is time for you to live your best life honey. There are so many closeted kinky people who want to explore their wild side and have no idea where to start. I get it. I have been there before. I was brand new at one time trying to figure out my dominant side. I found myself just wanting to jump right in without having any idea what to do and how to live out all of my freaky hoe fantasies safely. I learned a lot of lessons over the last decade the hard way. Luckily for you, I’m here to help you explore this world and give you advice on some of the basics of exploring while minimizing your risk.

BDSM can come off as scary and intimidating to some at first. However, incorporating BDSM into your sex life and beyond has the potential to be liberating, sexy, and pleasurable. I have not only met lovers, lifelong friends, and excellent submissives, but I have also discovered so many different parts of me. In order to get the most out of you and your partner’s play, there some fundamentals that one must understand before grabbing the handcuffs. Many newcomers struggle with how to begin, so let me help by giving some simplified guidelines to start.

It is very important that you are aware of the difference between BDSM and abuse. They are not the same.

In this piece, I will go over some risks as well as Dos and Dont’s to start out in BDSM.

FIRST, do not confuse BDSM with abuse.

Before I jump into the good stuff, I must make you aware of some red flags when engaging in play with anyone. It is very important that you are aware of the difference between BDSM and abuse. They are not the same. The one thing that separates abuse from BDSM is your consent to what is happening.

You can revoke consent at any time. I don’t care if you literally gave up all power to your partner to do “whatever they want.” I don’t care if you are in the middle of fucking, using handcuffs, or if the person you are playing with is really into it and doesn’t want to stop. Once you are uncomfortable, no longer into it, and want to stop you should be able to use your safe word and all play stops. If you use your safe word and play continues, it is abuse. If your partner does not allow you to use a safe word or set any boundaries with them, its time to pack “yo’ shit” and RUN! Abuse is abuse no matter what kind of stuff you are into and it usually mirrors the same abusive patterns you will find outside of BDSM dynamics.

The following are some examples of abuse: 

  • Your partner isolates you from friends and family
  • Threats to leave if you don’t do what they want
  • You are afraid of them
  • Doesn’t allow you to use a safeword or provide another “out” during play
  • Doesn’t respect your boundaries, and doesn’t want you to have any
  • Physical abuse such as hits, bites, pinches, twisting arms, etc. when you did not consent to it
  • Manipulation and coercion
  • It doesn’t feel right! Trust your gut feeling here. If something begins to feel “off” trust that feeling and look more into it.
  • Emotional abuse (insults and name-calling, withholding aftercare or affection as punishment, misgendering, threats to harm themselves if you leave, etc.)
  • Sexual abuse
  • Financial abuse (controlling someone’s money without consent)

Although that may be uncomfortable to read, it is better to be informed so you can make informed decisions. You know some of the major red flags and now you can fly your freak flag more aware of what a healthy BDSM relationship is not. Being aware of these signs will help you play more safely so you can focus on the good stuff. Now that we have gone over what BDSM is not, let’s jump into the dos and don’ts of exploring kink, finding a play partner, and jumping into play.

You cannot tie someone up without knowing how to do it safely.

DO as much research as you can. Read books, take classes, and talk to more experienced kinksters. Attend munches (a gathering of kinky folks in a public place to discuss like minded ideas) in your local areas before jumping into a play/sex party. Make sure you know how to play as safely as possible. You cannot tie someone up without knowing how to do it safely. You cannot drip any candle wax (without knowing what you are doing) on someone if there’s a risk you’ll burn them.

DO consent. BDSM does not exist without consent. There are no exceptions to this rule. Consent should be the foundation of all your play. Consent should also be given for every single act that happens to make sure the other person’s boundaries aren’t being crossed. If you give someone permission to spank you, they then do not have the right to slap you in the face unless you also consented to that. Everything that happens with the person you are playing with should be with your permission (and theirs too.) This is the rule for everyone from dominants to rope bunnies. Without consent existing in your play, it is considered abuse.

DO research on someone before playing with them. This is for your own safety. Do not be afraid to ask someone you are thinking about playing with for references, social media, or even google them if needed. Are they well known? Huge social media following? Talk about all their years of experience? If so, it’s even easier to check them out. Ask around in your local community about this person. Are they responsible? Do they have any known consent violations? Is there anything else you should know about them before meeting with them? A responsible BDSM player will totally understand and help you by connecting you to folks who will help vouch for them.

DO NOT rush. Take your time. The longer you take to get to know someone and communicate your desires, the better your play will be. Rushing into play with someone may leave you regretting doing so. It is extremely important that you take the time to research the person you want to play with and be informed about the play you want to engage in. Be aware of all the risks and how to play with someone safely.

DO create a safe word. A safeword is a mutually agreed-upon word to end or slow down any play taking place. This word should be used whenever you are no longer enjoying what is happening. Just because you initially agreed on what was going to happen, doesn’t mean you are obligated to continue if you want to stop. Here are simple safewords to remember: Red, yellow, and green. Red means STOP. Yellow means slow down. Green means, “I’m good to go.” It’s like a traffic light. Safewords can also be motions in the event that the person is unable to speak during play (that’s for you, smothering fans.)

Even the biggest freak in the world is not going to be open to every single thing.

DO set boundaries. You do not have to do everything your play partner wants you to do. What are the limits on what kind of play you are willing to do? These are called your hard and soft limits. Hard limits are activities you will absolutely not do and soft limits are things are open to but are reluctant to do. Even the biggest freak in the world is not going to be open to every single thing. Everyone has limits. Never trust anyone who says they have none.

DO NOT cross someone’s boundaries or accept them crossing yours. Do not assume that you are entitled to someone’s body. Once you or the person you are playing with set boundaries they are not to be crossed. If you clearly stated “I do not want to be whipped” but the person you are playing with loves using whips, that is simply one activity that is no longer on the table. Your play partner shouldn’t ask repeatedly, harass you, or threaten you to be able to whip you. This is considered abuse. Remember the foundation of all of your play should be consent. If it’s not an enthusiastic YES, it is an absolute NO.

DO NOT assume anything based on roles. Just because you have allowed someone to dominate you doesn’t mean you do not have the right to speak up and use a safe word when uncomfortable. In fact, it is the opposite. You are responsible for making your needs known and letting your top/dominant know what is working and what is not. The same rule applies to the top or dominant. If something isn’t working for you, you have the right to stop playing. Remember your first obligation is making sure everyone is emotionally and physically safe. Your partner’s pleasure comes second.

Check-ins should happen often throughout play.

DO check-in while playing. I promise you will not mess up the mood. It is important to make sure you both are enjoying what is happening the entire time. Check-ins should happen often throughout play. You should especially check-in if you notice a change in your play partner’s demeanor or body language that suggests they aren’t enjoying what is happening. Do not just keep going. The most important check in is aftercare. Aftercare is a simply the time you and your partner take after playing to reconnect making sure everyone is physically/ emotionally okay after playing. Some examples of aftercare can be cuddling, massages, or just talking through everything. During all check ins, including aftercare, play should not be happening.

DO communicate. Communication is essential to have an enjoyable experience. You and your play partner need to be honest with each other before, during, and after you play. You both need to be able to tell each other, “this is what I want and how I want it” and “I will absolutely not do this.” Go back and forth explaining as much as possible until you both agree on what your play will generally look like. This is called negotiating. Your communication should be ongoing. If you begin to play and realize you do not like what is happening you must communicate this to the person you are playing with immediately. When you do like something you can communicate that too 😉

DO make it FUN. There is no one way to get your kink on. You do not need to watch extreme BDSM porn and believe that is the only way to it. You do not need to be serious all the time. Laughter is super sexy. Playing games is super hot. I’ve even incorporated nerf guns and life-sized teddy bears into my BDSM play. It was absolutely amazing. Experiment and have fun. If you are not enjoying it, why are you doing it? Make your play your own. Laughter and joy make everything better including getting kinky.

By following these guidelines and being informed, hopefully you can have some amazing experiences. I know some of this may be hard to read, but it is better to be informed than one day be wishing you had known. BDSM has the potential to be so fulfilling and amazing. You may learn some amazing new things about yourself along the way. Just remember, have fun with your play. Make it your own. Enjoy what you are doing. Get kinky.

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