Hi, My name is Jimanekia. I am a trauma specialist and a comprehensive sexuality educator. I am also a sexual trauma survivor. One in four women and one in six men have experienced sexual trauma. This doesn’t account for those who do not report or have identities outside the binary. Survivors are everywhere, and I see you.
Often, after we have been harmed, we can no longer experience pleasure the way we used to, and we have to find new ways to experience it.
I, too, had to figure out how to navigate life post sexual trauma and continue to do so daily. I have been where you are – relearning, navigating your body, and figuring out if what once worked for me could work again. Often, after we have been harmed, we can no longer experience pleasure the way we used to, and we have to find new ways to experience it. In many cases, once folks have reached a stage in their healing where they want to have sex again, they don’t know where to begin.
I am a fan of starting with yourself, so you can navigate body responses as they arise, build up your personal “yes, no, maybe” list, and reconnect with your sexuality before involving another person in your journey.
If you are someone who has never had a sex toy and is a survivor, WELCOME! I am excited to share some of my favorite products from Spectrum Boutique. I will break the toys into categories and share why I am a fan of each. Keep in mind that these are some options for where you can start your journey. There are so many toys out there, and if you get overwhelmed, as I have in the past, you have come to the right place. So, buckle up, and let’s explore some of my favs and why I love them.
Let’s go back to front and start with butts *wink*. In my work, I have found that many survivors who are vulva owners want to try something new and expand their sexuality. These folks express curiosity about anal sex and where to begin. Throughout this list of products, you will find things to pair with anal play, such as specific lubes and other sensation toys to get you warmed up for this type of play.
Anal Toys
Tantus Ripple: Now, at first sight, these may look overwhelming but hear me out! Because the tip of the ripple starts small and gradually increases in size, it’s an excellent choice for beginners. Pair that with a flared base, and we are ahead of the game. Many folks get super pumped to put things in their butts, which is GREAT! But this is when we must be thoughtful and intentional with our play.
Anal stimulation can be overwhelming in a pleasurable way.
b-Vibe Snug Plug 1: b-Vibe provides educational information with all of their toys which I genuinely love. It’s perfect for folks who need step-by-step support once they get a product home. I also love this anal toy because it has a bit of weight to it, and you can feel that within your rectum when you move; it can also give the feeling of fullness that many folks enjoy. Where this comes in handy for survivors is with so many nerves in our butts, anal stimulation can be overwhelming in a pleasurable way. I’ve spoken to many survivors who have shared that the reason they want to try anal toys or anal sex, in general, is the overwhelming feeling. Some folks are so in their heads that this overwhelm can be enjoyable.
Jimanekia’s Gems: Make sure every toy you utilize has a flared base, as butts are like long roads with no end. Things will get lost in there.
Let’s continue talking about different types of insertables.
Insertable Toys
Fun Factory Sundaze Vibrating Pulsator: There is a difference between a thrusting toy and a pulsing toy. In my experience, I’ve found that the pulsing situation is a bit more welcoming. I also like this toy because it can be used externally due to its shape.
If you want to utilize this toy alone, you have enough arm space to be comfortable.
Another recommendation is the Blush Rosé 18″ Slim Silicone Double Dildo. Yes, a double dildo. Jimanekia, why are you saying we should get this? Well, thank you for asking. This can be used solo or with a partner(s). The nice part about this, is that it’s excellent for all types of bodies. And if you want to utilize this toy alone, you have enough arm space to be comfortable. You also get to control the depth of penetration with this toy. You can get a bit deeper than other toys allow you to.
Whew, so many toys and so many ways to use them.
Let’s talk about external toys.
External Toys
The Pelle Orange Slice Silicone Grinding Toy: I love the idea of grinding toys. Most of us learned how to masturbate by grinding on something or rubbing our genitals. This is something you can use solo, and you can use it with a partner. You can put it between two bodies and grind against it together.
This wand embraces bodies that have been through things and wish for a softer touch.
Now, we have something a bit different for folks who want something soft and something that vibrates: Deia, the flexible ultra soft rechargeable mini wand. I love love love that there is a soft and flexible wand. Often wands are hard, and although enjoyable, this wand embraces bodies that have been through things and wish for a softer touch.
Touch is so important for folks in sexuality and connection. As a survivor, you may need to reconnect with what type of touch you like. Something that can be helpful with getting your body back online is toys that are focused on sensations.
Sensation Play Toys
Sportsheets Whip and Tickle Feather & Whip: I enjoy options when navigating what you like and do not like. This allows you to explore various levels of touch on your body. For example, this toy gives you options if you want it to sting, be softer, or be a bit thuddy for your impact play.
As someone with tendonitis, I am constantly looking for toys I can use and not hurt myself.
The Je Joue Mimi, a slim external silicone vibrator, can also be used for sensation. I love the Mimi because it can be used all over the body. As someone with tendonitis, I am constantly looking for toys I can use and not hurt myself. The shape is great because it fits into the curve of your hand, making it easy to use all over your body and, of course, on your genitals. In addition, it is easy to clean up, and it’s quiet.
This is the perfect time to transition to toys focused on clitoral stimulation. But can they be used in other places? I mean, your brain is your biggest sex organ. And if you can think of many ways to use these toys, I say, GO AHEAD! Except in your butt. Remember, without a base, without a trace.
Clitoral Toys
Je Joue also has this fantastic rumbly Rabbit Bullet vibrator. Most folks think of the bullet and only know of the smaller silver toy that has been around for many years. Well, this is a combination of that and everyone’s favorite toy, the Rabbit, aka it has those magical bunny ears that you can focus that vibration wherever you want it.
This toy is not phallic shaped; for many survivors, that is an important detail.
Now, if you are seeking a toy that is perfect for the bedside and super cute, the Moon Shaped Rechargeable Silicone Dual Ended Air Pulse G-Spot Vibrator is exactly what you’re looking for! You can use the external function for the clitoris, or you can also use this as an insertable. This toy is not phallic shaped; for many survivors, that is an important detail. This toy keeps giving; this moon will take you beyond the stars.
Did you know that the tip of the penis is made from the same material and has a similar nerve structure to the clitoris? Historically, there have not been many toys for those with penises. I am so glad that that is changing, and I can tell you about some of my toys for penis owners.
Penis Toys
You can control if you are looking for something that you can indeed have in your hand. I recommend the Tenga Textured Wonder Eggs. They are great, inexpensive, and come in many different textures. Yes, they do come in a case that looks like an egg. Have to love that cute detail. You can use this for solo dates and add it to play with a partner and use the right egg for your needs.
If you want to keep that blood flow up and add a bit of extra vibration, I highly recommend [the Fun Factory Nos].
If you are looking for something that allows for a bit less brain focus and more focus on the head below, the Fun Factory Nos rechargeable vibrating ring is one of my favorite cock rings. You can wear it alone during solo play or use it with a partner. If you want to keep that blood flow up and add a bit of extra vibration, I highly recommend this. This can be fun for all parties involved if you are doing penetration play with another partner.
Jimanekia’s Gems: For all of your play, please utilize lube. Anal cavities do not self-lubricate, and friction can make vaginal and penis play uncomfortable. I am a fan of hybrid lubes, but try a few kinds out to figure out what feels good for you. You also need to ensure the lube you’re using is compatible with your toy and look at the ingredients if you have allergies.
You can never have too much lube, so it’s a good thing there are so many different types to try. Some folks just grab something at their local pharmacy or convenience store. I would love for us to be more intentional with what we put in and around our bodies.
Here are a few of my favorite lubes:
Lubes
Sensuva Ultra-Thick Water-Based Lube: Water-based lubes tend to dry up faster because they absorb into the body, which, while sometimes annoying, makes for easier cleanup. I am a fan of this lube because it’s thick and lasts longer than other water-based lubes.
It stays where you put it, so you don’t have to worry about making a mess unless you want there to be a mess...
Wicked Simply Hybrid Jelle: This is one of my favorite lubes. The texture of the lube reminds me of a lovely thick jelly. It’s easy to apply, and it stays where you put it, so you don’t have to worry about making a mess unless you want there to be a mess **wink**.
Uberlube Silicone Lube is one that many folks use and love. It is super slick, and you can use it during all types of sex. However, you do need to be careful using silicone lubes with your silicone toys. I’ve found it can leave a bit of tackiness behind unless you wash it off with soap and water. It’s also great if you have a squeaky door. Lol!
And last but not least, if you are someone like Jimanekia, this is all great but is there not something I can grab as a package, something that is already made up for me, such as a KIT?
Well, you are in luck, Darlin.
Kits
I am a fan of these two kits because you are getting a BANG for your buck:
ROMP Pleasure Kit with Three Silicone Rechargeable Vibrators and Carry Bag: You are truly getting an exploration kit here for all body parts. You can try out different sensation items and different types of play. And there is a carrying bag.
If trauma has caused you vaginal sensitivity or vaginismus... this set is the set for you.
And this one is specific for my vulva owners. Check out the Je Joue Naughty and Nice Rechargeable Bullet and Kegel Ball Gift Set if you are someone that is genuinely just wanting to relearn their body. Or if trauma has caused you vaginal sensitivity or vaginismus. This set is the set for you.
No one toy is the best stand-alone for all bodies, all pleasure seekers, or just folks that want to connect to their bodies again. But, I hope these at least open your eyes and mind to different ways you can explore.