We live in a size-obsessed society, and as a result, we’ve been conditioned to be hyperfocused on whether our bodies (and certain body parts) are too big, too small, too long, too short, etc. And this hyperfocus has crept its way into our sex lives, and lead us to believe that the size of our genitals and other bodily bits will automatically determine the quality of our sex lives.
Size myths and stigma around genital size, appearance, and elasticity impact people of all gender identities and sexual orientations, and can lead to issues with body image, decreased sexual confidence, and internalized shame. Who’s responsible for the myths and the stigma? We can thank bad porn and poor or nonexistent sex-ed. It’s hard not to fall into believing sex myths when we’ve been shown or taught inaccurate and unrealistic information about sex and our bodies.
It’s time to abolish the idea that bigger is better, that tight is right, and all the other false bullshit that keeps us cloaked in shame about our bodies and their natural forms.
It’s time to abolish the idea that bigger is better, that tight is right, and all the other false bullshit that keeps us cloaked in shame about our bodies and their natural forms.
So let’s bust some myths…
Penises
The most prevalent myth when it comes to sex, has to do with penis size, and for a long time we were lead to believe that size matters, and that any penis at least six inches and up, when erect, was the gold standard. And anyone whose penis didn’t meet that requirement was deemed untouchable, and the butt of small penis jokes.
But that’s not the only BS we’ve been sold about what it takes to have the “perfect” penis. Not only does your penis need to meet a length requirement, it also has to be girthy, and immaculately straight — or curved! It should in fact look like the kind of penis you’d see in mainstream porn. Of course, our penis preferences are subjective but our preferences are definitely influenced by porn.
Data has thankfully given us a more realistic perspective on penises, research conducted in 2007 in India focused on penis dimensions from various countries and found that the average penis size was between 2.8 – 3.9 inches in length and 3.5 – 3.9 inches in circumference when flaccid, while erect penises ranged between 4.7 – 6.3 inches in length and circumference was around 4.7 inches. While a 2014 study found that the average erect penis size in the U.S. was 5.6 inches in length and 4.8 in circumference. And as for who actually gives a damn about penis size? Research continues to point to folks with penises and not their partners, as the ones who are most concerned with the length, and when it comes to people who enjoy being penetrated vaginally, width has been considered more important.
Enter size queens/size royalty — people who prefer vaginal, oral, or anal sex (or all of the above) with bigger-than-average dick, and who are deeply (pun intended) into the sensation of fullness, being stretched out, or the aesthetics of larger penises.
Not every person wants to have sex with someone who has a wider penis, being penetrated by a large penis is not always physically comfortable or enjoyable. Enter size queens/size royalty — people who prefer vaginal, oral, or anal sex (or all of the above) with bigger-than-average dick, and who are deeply (pun intended) into the sensation of fullness, being stretched out, or the aesthetics of larger penises.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be filled up or out, but being a size queen can also be limiting because one, look at the data, the average penis size falls below seven inches, and two, if you are only looking for length and/or girth, you are likely ruling out some potentially amazing partners.
Plus, the number one determining factor for if a potential sex partner is going to rock your socks off is good communication. What good is it if you’re slinging around any kind of penis if you don’t know how to talk to a partner about sex or pleasure?
It’s valid and common for people with penises, to experience some insecurity around how their penis looks and its size; especially when society has told us that bigger penises are more desirable. But you can make magic happen regardless of your size!
If you are someone who craves size, you don’t have to rely on penises to satisfy that craving; try using large sex toys or give fisting a try in order to get that sensation. Don’t just rush to insert a big dildo or fist though! Make sure you use lots of lube and patience. There are even sheaths designed to be worn over a penis during penetrative play!
Clitorises and Vulvas
The clitoris is an amazing sex organ that was once assumed to be exclusively for pleasure, although recent research has revealed that it may also play an important role in reproduction. And yet misinformation and concerns about clitoris size still persist. We now know that the clitoris isn’t just the outer nub that you can see and feel, but also an internal structure with roots that extend 4 inches back into the body. Some folks are sensitive about their size, worrying that it is too big or too small and that it will impact their ability to orgasm. The size of your clitoral hood (the fold of skin that protects the glans clitoris) might impact your orgasms. If you think it’s impacting your orgasms, you can gently pull back your clitoral hood, try using lube to increase sensation, and try more powerful stimulation via a toy like a wand massager.
Unless you’re experiencing pain or discomfort in the labia majora or minora, there’s no medical reason to be concerned about your vulva’s appearance.
Data on vulva/vagina size isn’t as readily available as the numbers on penises, but the average labia size is said to be about: up to 12 cm (5 in) in length for the right or left labia majora, up to 10 cm (4 in) long and up to 6.4 cm (2.5 in) wide for the left labia minora and up to 10 cm long (4 in) and up to 7 cm (3 in) wide for the right labia minora. The size differs between the labia majora and labia minora, as well as between the right and left sides.
Vulvas come in all shapes and colors, but when hairless, proportionate genitalia have been exalted, it’s hard for many of us if it doesn’t meet this standard. Unless you’re experiencing pain or discomfort in the labia majora or minora, there’s no medical reason to be concerned about your vulva’s appearance.
Vaginas
One of the most common fabrications about the vagina relates to elasticity and the idea that the vagina can become ‘loose’ because of too much sex. As a result, ‘tight’ vaginas have become the mark of a worthy and pure vagina, and crude memes about vaginal elasticity using something like an image of a hoagie with the filling spilling out and hanging loose, exist on the corners of the internet where people are ignorant to the nuances of the vagina. Instead, they choose to believe that the vagina is a catchall term for all of the external and internal genitalia, that vaginas are supposed to smell like flowers and taste like spring water, and that when a person with a vagina enjoys a robust sex life, their vagina remains stretched out like a gaping hole.
Penetrative sex does not permanently alter the vagina’s shape, and if a vagina is tight during intercourse, it could mean that the person isn’t aroused or lubricated enough for insertion, or that there is an underlying condition like vaginismus.
So here’s the real story…the vagina has muscle tissue that is tightly folded and extremely elastic. When the vagina is resting, and even more so when someone is anxious, the muscle tissue stays tightly folded. During sexual arousal, that muscle tissue relaxes in order to allow the vagina to be receptive. And then it returns back to its resting state. Penetrative sex does not permanently alter the vagina’s shape, and if a vagina is tight during intercourse, it could mean that the person isn’t aroused or lubricated enough for insertion, or that there is an underlying condition like vaginismus. When this happens, lubricant, extended foreplay, and communication/actually being comfortable with the people you have sex with, is important.
Vaginal elasticity can certainly change, as things like aging and childbirth, especially childbirth after the age of 30, can cause changes in the pelvic floor. But even then, vaginas don’t quite become “loose” in the way that we’ve been led to believe. Kegel exercises have long been offered as a way to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, and while they can help, it’s also possible to cause muscle tension or spasm in your vagina, from doing too many or incorrectly doing them. So it’s best to check in with your medical provider before starting them, to make sure you don’t cause injury or aggravate any underlying issues. Kegel exercises can help to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, and they can be done with or without toys, also during penetration. All bodies change and transform throughout life, so there should be no expectations that anyone’s genitals will look or function the same way all the time, as they age.
The loose vagina myth is rooted in the fetishization of tightness, and in the idealization of virginity and purity.
The loose vagina myth is rooted in the fetishization of tightness, and in the idealization of virginity and purity. But in reality, a vagina can be too tight, and that tightness can be synonymous with pain and other conditions.
Anuses
Lastly, let’s talk about ass and the myth of the loose anus. Our booties are resilient, and yet many people who engage in frequent receptive anal sex, have a fear that their anus is going to one day become a “gaping”, “worn-out” version of its former self.
The anal sphincter muscles are tightly toned and extremely strong, and if anything, being able to relax in that area can be beneficial for making receiving penetration easier and more comfortable. Muscle damage in the anus is rare, although you are more susceptible to it if you are rushing through anal sex and not using enough lube, or engaging in more intense play without the proper safety precautions.
There are many myths about sex and our bodies and what they should do, and look like, but pleasure isn’t reserved for a subjectively ideal few.
There are many myths about sex and our bodies and what they should do, and look like, but pleasure isn’t reserved for a subjectively ideal few. It’s for all of us. It’s not about what our bodies look like, but how we use them that impacts our ability to have an amazing sex life!
