Somewhere along the way, we got lost. We started believing myths, like that all people with vulvas orgasm from penetration, or that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex standing up, or of course, that the vibrator you’ve come to love and cherish is destroying the nerve endings in your clitoris. The internet even came up with a term for it: “dead vagina syndrome.” How morbid. As much as your favorite sex educators scream at the top of their lungs, “YOUR CLITORIS WILL BE FINE! BUY ALL THOSE VIBRATORS IN YOUR CART”, concern persists. Here’s to hoping that I can finally clear all of this up. Then I invite you to continue (without caution) to gravitate towards as intense, as rumbly, and as enormous a toy as often as you, please.
Stretching your body is a more important step in preserving clitoral health than worrying about your sex toy.
Let’s Talk Science
Clitoral pain and discomfort are called Clitorodynia and are, in fact, often the result of restricted movement or blood flow to the internal bits of the clitoral network, the dorsal and pudendal nerves. So yes, stretching your body is a more important step in preserving clitoral health than worrying about your sex toy.
The part of the clitoral network commonly called the clitoris is the glans. And in regards to the glans, most participants in a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine reported no negative effects on their clitoris immediately after the use of vibrators. Of the 16% of folks who did report any sort of numbness, 95.5% also reported that this feeling went away within a day. This is kind of like how your foot may fall asleep from time to time; the body may need some time to recover. Of course, exceptions to these statements can be made for any who may use toys to beat, bruise, or severely wound the region, which could actually cause long-term damage.
Temporary irritation, though, was far more commonly reported than numbness by participants, and this makes sense. Repetitive motion along the clitoris can be briefly irritating, as can using a more powerful toy on a more sensitive clit. Imagine you held that same vibrator you’re worried about up to your shoulder for an hour or two. Your skin would probably become irritated, but you probably wouldn’t worry about permanently losing feeling in your shoulder, would you?
And no, there is no proof you can become chemically addicted to your vibrator, either. Various high-frequency sexual behaviors that have caught the attention of the public eye, such as sex addiction and porn addiction, are actually intentionally excluded from the DSM 5. There are a number of different ways addiction can be defined, by cravings, by compulsivity, by relapse, the list goes on. Though, scientists tend to lean on evidence about the brain that proves behavioral addictions similar to drug addictions in categorizing addiction. For vibrators, this evidence is so far nonexistent.
Vibrator use during partnered sex makes it scientifically more likely that everyone cums!
In fact, the very same Journal of Sexual Medicine study mentioned above even determined the positive outcomes of vibrator use on sexual functioning. They found that people with vulvas who used vibrators were drastically more likely to have seen a gynecologist in the last year. Odds are, if you’re reading this, that’s you, and we’re proud! Vibrator users also report higher levels of arousal, lubrication, desire and orgasm. Plus, vibrator use during partnered sex makes it scientifically more likely that everyone cums!
Why Are We Meant to Believe This?
Sex myths like this one have been around as long as time, maybe because of generations long, inadequate sex education, or maybe, there’s something deeper happening. May I introduce, the orgasm hierarchy, the societally perpetuated belief that some orgasms are more valuable than others. We can see the existence of this hierarchy in the fact that masturbation is often made into the butt of the joke; seen as something for lonely people as opposed to those who want to connect with their own bodies.
Masturbation is self care, masturbation is a direct means to accessing pleasure, masturbation allows you to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Orgasming from partnered sex is seen as the desirable norm, while orgasming from anal sex is adventurous or intimidating, and orgasming alone, with a hand or a toy, well that’s run-of-the-mill. This thought process completely ignores the fact that most people with vulvas claim to have had their best orgasms through masturbation. Masturbation is self care, masturbation is a direct means to accessing pleasure, masturbation allows you to deepen your relationship with yourself.
Patriarchy is also to blame for the popularity of this falsehood. There is so much insistence that female masturbation is disgusting or impure. Not to mention, cis-het men can often perceive vibrators as their competition rather than a collaborative tool. That an insecurity most people with vulvas are not responsible for creating can be projected back on to us is an outrage! Often, as a sex educator, I talk about movie scene sex. You know the type where a few thrusts in, the cis-het-man and cis-het-woman both simultaneously orgasm and awake, tastefully wrapped in covers. Many of us know by now that this is not how sex looks for the majority of folks, but few of us really take the time to consider why we are spoon fed this narrative. Why are we told what makes him orgasm should be what makes us orgasm? Why are we told that our sexuality should mirror his rather than be its own beautiful thing?
But I Can’t Orgasm Without One
The other truth is that you may have at some point wondered whether your vibrator is desensitizing your clitoris because you feel that it is. This feeling you may have identified as potential nerve damage is nothing of the sort, and is instead the result of your body becoming accustomed to orgasming in a certain way, responding to specific stimuli. This can make it so that softer or slower stimulation can result in little sensation, your clitoris may feel numb to these types of touch, even if they were once a means to reach orgasm. The process of becoming able to only orgasm from one type of stimulation happens to people with penises as well. For them it’s called “death-gripping”. The “death-grip” refers to the firm tight grip and speed with which people with penises often masturbate, causing partnered sex to be less pleasurable as a result since their body is used to a tightness and speed that cannot be replicated by a vagina or anus.
With vibrator use, some people also may skip certain phases in the sexual response cycle. The sexual response cycle is the four part succession that defines how most people experience sexual pleasure, going from excitement to plateau to orgasm and finally resolution. With vibrator use, you may quickly speed by the excitement and plateau stages and very quickly into orgasm. Experiencing the slowed down version of the cycle on the other hand, without a vibrator, may feel like it’s taking WAY too long, or leaving too much room for your brain to wander.
It’s possible you feel you need a vibrator to orgasm because using a vibrator is the only scenario in which you orgasm alone.
The stress or pressure from a partner waiting to get you off may also be a factor. The following scenario may be reminiscent for many of us. You’re receiving oral sex or getting your back blown out and find yourself wondering, “why can’t I cum?” Perhaps you’ve apologized to a partner or two about “taking too long”, perhaps you’ve heard complaints from lovers in the past. It’s possible you feel you need a vibrator to orgasm because using a vibrator is the only scenario in which you orgasm alone. Not to mention many partners ignore the clitoris completely or do not interact with the clitoris in the ways most pleasurable for your body, the clitoris being where most folks with vulvas need stimulation in order to orgasm. In this case, your vibrator isn’t to blame, the partnered sex you’ve been having is where your attention should be redirected. How can you better communicate with folks about your individual desires? What techniques (like breathwork and internal dialogue) might help you experience less distractions during sex? What needs should you take into account when seeking a sexual partner you can envision yourself feeling less rushed with?
If we really hone in on the orgasm hierarchy, though, maybe needing a vibrator to reach orgasm isn’t such a bad thing. Vibrators are created specifically to provide for you, without any expectations. They are consistent and versatile, they don’t judge you or share your secrets. If you want to be able to orgasm without a vibe, there are some options out there. You can incorporate your hands and some lube while masturbating to train your body over time. You can use your vibrator on a lower setting, use softer toys, incorporate water play, or try experimenting with edging and layering (masturbating over a layer of clothes). You don’t need to do these every time to see results, just try switching it up every now and then. Alternatively, you can also choose to embrace what technology has gifted us, and hold your vibrator a little closer. Whatever your choice, what’s most important is that you recognize self pleasure’s capacity to be its own beautiful practice.
