We are back at it again with the latest installment of our advice column! As we mentioned in our first entry, we are committed to sharing our journey as we awaken our purpose as pleasure activists based in real life learning and yearnings from our interpersonal relationships, in hopes to enrich the lives of our community. We are continuously exploring ways to understand ourselves, others, and reimagine the world through collaboration and honest sharing — as complicated as that can be. This advice column leverages the insight of the sex KiKi collective.
Check out sex KiKi’s bulletin, our online publication for more!
This month we are digging into relationship power dynamics, racial fetishization and more!
Even two cis hetero white men will have some power dynamics at play depending on social setting and context when it comes to socioeconomic class, background, and upbringing, etc.
Q. Power play: As a bisexual man, I sometimes feel as though my attraction to femme identifying or non-conforming people is inherently problematic, relationships feel so shrouded in a power dynamics that often make me uncomfortable.
Angelique (co-host of The sex KiKi podcast): Hey querent! My question for you is this, do you feel that your attraction to and relationships with other men are not inherently problematic and are void of power dynamics? The truth of the matter, as I see it, is unfortunately there are no relationships that exist without the play of power dynamics as they stand in the social structures of America.
The world is dictated by the cisnormative, heteronormative, imperialist white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy. Say that fives times fast! Even two cis hetero white men will have some power dynamics at play depending on social setting and context when it comes to socioeconomic class, background, and upbringing, etc. Of course, in some relationships, the discrepancy and disparity are greater, but ultimately it is about awareness and having an ongoing dialogue and conversation around privilege, access, as well as showing up when you can to wield whatever privilege you may have in particular situations to aide your fellow humans. That is something that is necessary regardless of who you are relating to and in what capacity you are relating to them.
I say this as someone who has questioned whether it was even possible for straight men to actionably love me and yet, here I am, still dating straight men — not exclusively but still.
I would caution you around the idea of comfortability in relationship and discern when is the right time to choose situations that challenge you to grow, not in a way that puts unnecessary emotional labor in the hands of your partner but in a way that puts responsibility in your own hands to continuously be in a space of listening and learning.
I say this as someone who has questioned whether it was even possible for straight men to actionably love me and yet, here I am, still dating straight men — not exclusively but still. Which is to say, as much as you are experiencing discomfort and questioning, the people you are partnering with are very likely also experiencing that discomfort and questioning from the other side. It is good and useful and okay to dissect your attractions, to be a little uncomfortable sometimes, and to be open about those feelings and thoughts with the people you are relating to because it never ends.
if you are a white person who exclusively desires or prefers to date people of other races and ethnicities because you are attracted to them, regardless of who they are, based only on their race or ethnicity, you are guilty of fetishizing.
Q. Decolonizing desire: Do you believe interracial desire is possible without fetishization?
Tiffany (Events Coordinator): First, if you are a white person who exclusively desires or prefers to date people of other races and ethnicities because you are attracted to them, regardless of who they are, based only on their race or ethnicity, you are guilty of fetishizing.
If your desire for people of other ethnicities or even your own matches the stereotypical thinking from above, you might be a part of the problem.
The main reason for this is that there is so much implied racism in this thinking. Do people desire Black women because they are freakier in bed? Latinx women because they are spicier? Black men because they have larger penises? Asian women because they are more submissive? So much of these desires from white people are based around racist stereotypes and separating all these out from desire is tricky at best. (Sidebar: race play is a thing. This is not about race play.)
Do I believe that interracial desire is possible without fetishization for people of color? Yes and No. For the no part, see all of the above. It can still hold true for POC. If your desire for people of other ethnicities or even your own matches the stereotypical thinking from above, you might be a part of the problem. Take a step back and examine where these thoughts and desires are coming from.
Attraction is a tricky thing! It can be both scientific and emotional.
The least problematic interracial desires are based on the person and not the color or shade of their skin. Attraction is a tricky thing! It can be both scientific and emotional. There are many reasons why you may be attracted to someone or to even desire them.
It would be all too easy to go down a rabbit hole of how all desire towards a person is fetishization, so to save us that existential crisis, I just encourage people to be mindful of their desires. To work to decolonize their desires and their sex lives and to see the importance of consent in all aspects of our sexual selves.
(Editors note): For more perspective on the topic, listen to The sex KiKi podcast. During the Just The Tip segment (45:10) of our episode featuring Wildcat Howl (@wildkathowl), co-hosts Coriama (@kocomeow) and Angelique (@nocorset) speak with Howl on the subject. Howl is a Black kinkster in a 24/7 -d/s relationship with a white person.
sex KiKi is a sex-positive sanctuary, it started as a passion project that initiated during moments of honest sharing with my dear friend Jaxin
FYI: What exactly is sex KiKi, and what are your plans for the future? I’m sure I’ll need advice soon enough, but for now, I just want to know more about the organization.
Coriama (Founder & Creative Director): sex KiKi is a sex-positive sanctuary, it started as a passion project that initiated during moments of honest sharing with my dear friend Jaxin (@ratchetaffirmations). We would have very long conversations sharing our sex lives in a really transparent manner. Shortly after, I began hosting popups around Chicago to explore different topics around sexuality for healing, broadening awareness and to center the wisdom we gain from one another’s lived experiences.
sex KiKi is a space where radical dialogue lives, in my experience, dialogue is the gateway for our human revolution; really developing ourselves to embody change. This process enables us to fully step into our power and ignite our erotic intelligence. The erotic is the mechanism that transforms us and enables us to love and live fully. sex KiKi is still in bloom and more recently we’ve been utilizing multimedia as a resource to inform our community and diversify sex-positive art, culture, and education.
Our mission is to shine a light on the underrepresented queer community who yearn to be seen in the story of untamed sexuality and seek to dismantle fetishization and liberate the image of Black folx in erotica.
In the immediate future, we are focused on sex KiKi being a sustainable business to ensure that we can keep doing the work and supporting our livelihood. We are interested in developing more content and facilitating various types of programming. One of our projects is KIKITUBE, an erotic film platform that centers Black queer and trans folx.
Our mission is to shine a light on the underrepresented queer community who yearn to be seen in the story of untamed sexuality and seek to dismantle fetishization and liberate the image of Black folx in erotica. We are invested in erotica that is ethical and for us by us. Why? Let’s be honest, the current image of Black folx in erotica is trash and even current feminist porn is still white-centric with a few droplets of blacks and POC. Honestly, the aesthetics alone are old and raggedy, scenes are vastly hetero-centric, showing a specific type of sex and not enough spectrum of pleasure and sensuality.
We are in early production stages and encourage any kinksters, pornographers, film professionals, and sex-positive enthusiasts who want to support the work to reach out to us! If you’re the type that prefers to support via love offering, please send them via cashapp or venmo @skstudios. If you’d like to get involved in any capacity please reach out to our Executive Video Producer at [email protected].