We swear, we don’t have all the answers but your favorite advice columnists are back.
As always, we are committed to sharing our journey as we awaken our purpose as pleasure activists based in real life learning and yearnings from our interpersonal relationships, in hopes to enrich the lives of our cummunity. We are continuously exploring ways to understand ourselves, others, and reimagine the world through collaboration and honest sharing. This advice column leverages the insight of the sex KiKi collective.
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This month we are digging into revolutionary eroticism, facing fears, and mommy x daughter roleplay. Let’s get into it!
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Q. The revolution WILL be… : Dear sex KiKi, How and why is eroticism revolutionary?
Coriama (Founder & Creative Director): My mind immediately goes to Audre Lorde Uses of The Erotic: The Erotic As Power, Michel Foucault’s History of Sexuality, and Black Sexual Politics by Patricia Hill Collins. It’s revolutionary because it allows us to feel the deepest parts of our being, it’s our birthright and the human experience is erotic. Not in the absence of/promotion of sex, but the autonomy to make pleasure-based choices that align with our dignity. It affirms our existence, transcending life, sickness, and death. It gives us room to feel, discover, and requires us to deal with the ego to understand it’s honest form. Honesty is something that fuels life’s cycle, it wants us to keep searching, to find our way, to keep our bodies in rhythm with its divine purpose, eroticism does that!
The journey is the revolution, having the courage to figure out how that truth sits with us instead of regurgitating ways it’s been co-opted and vilified to fit capitalist structures. Decolonizing your position within this system is an erotic experience or why else do it? The outcome is more fruitful than passivism or escapism, eroticism reminds us there are other ways to cope. It asks us to be present with our imperfections, irrationalities, fears, voice, playfulness, and even the truths that hide
behind the shadows; which for me have been the realities of healing family karma. Eroticism has shaped how I understand accountability and If you make room for it, I’m sure it can be the gateway for you!
(Editor’s note): ki up with us on The sex KiKi Podcast for more sex-positive perspectives! Contact us via [email protected].
Q. Scary spice: Dear sex KiKi, I wonder what I really want, in terms of sex. I’m a little afraid.
Tiffany (Events Coordinator): Dear friend, I wonder what you really want too. Sex can mean a lot of things. And it usually means a lot of different things to different people. There’s solo sex, partnered sex, romantic sex, kinky sex, penetrative sex, digital sex, sex with toys…and probably a million more things. I tend to think of sex as an act of bringing pleasure (not necessarily orgasm) when I am with myself or others. Most importantly sex should be pleasurable—something that you have enthusiastically and consensually!
Things that helped me figure out what I wanted in terms of sex came from fantasizing about sex, talking about sex, and watching porn. Solo sex also helped me to better understand how my body experienced pleasure. Porn helped me see what looked exciting, what made me gasp and what left me thinking NO! Talking about sex helped me to understand what I wanted ever before engaging. I love talking about sex with other people. Whether this is with prospective partners, on a date, with my best friends and sometimes with strangers. These conversations range from what other people like, to what works well from them, some best practice talk and when things just got weird.
Dear sex KiKi, what do you think about people who don't have a libido?
As for being afraid, that is okay. I’m a little nervous anytime I have a new partner. And I was absolutely freaked out when a recent partner asked me to try something new. I could hide my nervousness when we were texting but face-to-face it became obvious. I shared with my partner that I wanted to try this because they were so excited about it but that I was very nervous. We talked it through and I asked them to just hold me to help with the nerves. When they told me there was no rush and that we didn’t have to do anything, I found the courage to try. I can’t say it’s my new favorite thing but I’m glad I tried. Talk to others about your thoughts around sex, especially talk to prospective partners. Anyone worth your time and goodies will be happy to talk about things to help you feel more comfortable.
Sex is actually a whole lot of things. But the ultimate definition of sex is up to you. Take all the time you need to figure out what it is (if anything!) that you want. Remember it should feel the way you want it to, and most importantly it must be consensual!
Q. The L Word: Dear sex KiKi, what do you think about people who don’t have a libido?
Kamari (Project Manager): Hello there, in order to answer your question I’d like to first define Libido. Libido — also known as your sex drive — is defined by a desire to have sex, experience sexual pleasure and sexual release. Libido is influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors. It’s normal to experience fluctuation in libido. In regards to biology, our libido is regulated by hormones, you’ll need to chat with a doctor to learn more. In regards to psychological and social factors, there are many causes of low sex drive, including:
- Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression
- Stress, such as financial stress or work related stress
- Poor body image
- Low self-esteem
- History of physical or sexual abuse
- Previous negative sexual experiences
In this case not having a libido can be defined as, a reduced desire to have sex, or having sexual experiences that are no longer satisfying or pleasurable.
But let’s get back to your question, it’s up to you to decide what you think about not having a libido, you can determine if it’s a problem or not. If your low libido level worries you, there are a number of things you can do. Finding a solution to the problem involves determining what seems to affect your libido (using the info above) and then trying strategies to deal with this.
Discuss your feelings of low libido in order to begin addressing them. You may want to seek advice from your doctor or if you suspect a biological source for your low libido. Some of the following may help:
- Medical advice treatment
- Medication changes
- Stress management
- Herbal remedies
- Counselling with a therapist who specialises in sexual concerns
Q. Mother’s Play: Dear sex KiKi, How do you feel about mommy x daughter roleplay?
Coriama: Get the nurturing you deserve, but also this is a loaded baked potato of a question!
I don’t take it as an incestuous question or act initially; I also feel like people may work through this type of play for various reasons. I would consider it a successful tool for somatic trauma particularly for folx who have dense sometimes virulent relationships with their moms, like I do. I think it can help folx orient themselves into healing responses to receptive energy by exploring how they feel about receiving care from others. I think that’s the healing/transformative nature of role-playing it can allow us to embody many facets of our lives to heal and experience are deepest fantasies. Yes, being nurtured can be a fantasy, or nurturing can be a kink even mothering our partners can be a real thing for some. My boo Lucy Stoole openly expresses being a mother hen to lovers, it’s her kink.
I want to note that for some folx, role-playing various ages, or age play, is a thing too. Of course, we are talking about consenting adults here, but this can be a slippery slope. It’s important to make sure people aren’t being taken advantage of.
My advice is to never approach, seek, or require anything from us without an offering.
On another side of the coin, I have an acquaintance who experienced a mom and daughter that found (him) attractive in a social setting and asked him if he’s open to a mommy/daughter pair. He fled the scene in disbelief because it was intense for him, but I think there are some folx who’d really be into that type of interaction or into the response of it all. Either as a unit or experiencing the person, they’re attracted to separately. I’m not here to judge or say what’s right or wrong, I’m naming what would be a kink or fun situation for people like my acquaintance encountered.
In porn, I’ve only seen mommy x daughter in the mainstream to serve cishet male sexual desires. I also feel like the average cishet male, particularly, has an interesting relationship with their mothers and motherly energy in general. My observation is they always need some type of guidance or require mothering in a way that’s based on patriarchal servitude and expectations of womxn and femmes. Shits tired and played because it’s implied rather than expressed openly as a need, or stated as a significant way they orient themselves or prefer to engage intimately. If it were expressed openly it would respect the autonomy of womxn and femmes, particularly Black femmes who have been abused through the means of mothering.
Racism/oppression has positioned Black femmes in a mothering “mammy” role, so much so that folx treat our energy like a drug that their sustenance relies on. In my experience, people act out in harmful ways when they’re not affirmed, cared for, or have access to Black womxn/femmes or our culture. Digital blackface is a great example where the caricatures of Black femmes are so potent that people are making a lot of money for essentially being racist. To me, it’s obvious the entire culture has a codependent toxic connection to Black femininity and motherhood. To be quite honest, the consumption of Black femininity/culture isn’t equitable. People still aren’t investing in us at the rate they should. We don’t do it for the culture, we are the culture. My advice is to never approach, seek, or require anything from us without an offering.
Cheers to Black History Month! Till next time!