We are fond of saying, we don’t have all of the answers. That feels especially true in these times.

What we do know, is the importance of sharing our voice. 

As always, we are committed to sharing our journey as we awaken our purpose as pleasure activists based in real-life learning and yearnings from our interpersonal relationships, in hopes to enrich the lives of our cummunity. We are continuously exploring ways to understand ourselves, others, and reimagine the world through collaboration and honest sharing. This advice column leverages the insight of the sex KiKi collective.

This month we are diving into polyamory and self-care in our current times.

Something on your mind? Interested in our perspective on a certain topic? Want some advice with your relationship woes? Send the sex KiKi team a note at [email protected] or DM us on IG ! Also, if you’d like to send us a love offering and cumtribute to our movement, we’ll shout you out in the next column. If you’re interested in uncensored photo sets, hit us up on Patreon !

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As a queer Black woman who identifies as polyamorous, I can say with certainty that polyamory is not just a ploy used by slick men!

Q. Dear sex KiKi, Is polyamory just a slick way of men tricking women into having multiple partners? How can this be practiced ethically?

Tiffany (Events Coordinator): As a queer Black woman who identifies as polyamorous, I can say with certainty that polyamory is not just a ploy used by slick men! Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can mean different things to different people. At the core, it recognizes that a person can be in a relationship with/ in love with/ in partnership with/ playing with more than one person. The ethical part is rooted in honesty and openness. Your partners know that you are seeing other people. You determine what boundaries feel good and safe for you and share those with your partner or potential partners. Some of those boundaries may be around what dating/sleeping with other people looks like. Respecting boundaries is essential.

What drew me towards ethical non-monogamy was the idea of abundance. Believing that love as a practice, as an act, is available in abundance to give and share. This allows me to have deeply intimate friendships, romantic partners, and casual pals and no one needs to be in competition with each other because I can love and be loved by them all. It also allows me to get my emotional and intimate needs met without asking any one person to meet them all. What polyamory is not, is a way to control a partner, create competition, or manipulate a person into meeting all your needs with no regard to their own.

If this feels like something that could work for you, try it out! If not, that’s okay too.

This is a very short and brief explanation of a very big concept and idea. I would encourage you to do some reading on the idea. There are tons of good resources available online and many books to choose from. If this feels like something that could work for you, try it out! If not, that’s okay too.

Rebeca Soto

Q. Dear sex KiKi, As a Black femme, during COVID-19, how do you practice self-care?

Ashabi (social media coordinator): Oof, this is hard. Self-care has been something I’ve been investing more funds towards but not enough time. As I’ve started to realize that, I’ve tried to make space and actively take care of myself in small doses, working towards getting back to what I would usually do when I wasn’t in quarantine. For me, that’s been looking like; mornings on my porch, burn an incense cone, smoke a cig, drink an oat milk latte w/ extra caramel and stare at the clouds, coming back inside to watch lots of anime, reaching out to more friends to see how they’ve been, ~masturbating~ haha and learning more about how I like to please myself. This has been interesting and fun.

I’ve also bought clothes that I know will look good on me in anticipation of post quarantine times and photoshoots. Naps and spiritual baths — really long baths! It’s been nice having this time to actually focus on myself especially with emotions on the rise.

Q. Dear sex KiKi, How do you begin to explore sexuality with yourself, and with others, outside of social expectations?

Coriama (Founder): For me, the art of sexuality is a practice of deep interpersonal work.

First and foremost in my mind is a mindful masturbation practice. When we’re able to release and process our own somatic experience, we are able to do that with others, and release the pressures of societal expectations.

This is in alignment with really recognizing your own embodied wisdom, building healthy self-esteem/compassion, going through the process of recognizing oneself as a person who has the ability to make their own decisions for their own life.

I think before you can even expand to other lovers masturbation practice is going to affirm for yourself what you like.

In connection to sexuality, I think a mindful masturbation practice is there for our pleasure alone. It’s for us to explore. I always say, the best part of having a mindful masturbation practice is that no one can tell you that you’re doing something wrong or right. It’s all about exploring your own palette, your own senses, and your own desires. I think before you can even expand to other lovers masturbation practice is going to affirm for yourself what you like. I like to utilize solo tantra as a means to explore the ways I connect sex and spirit.

Society likes to put a lot of pressure on what our parts are, what they mean, and how they impact our experience in this world, which is completely false. For me, when I have a genital heart connection it allows me to tap into my body and what I truly believe about my own body, despite what other people have told me. This is when self-pleasure supports the unlearning. After all, like Dr. Zelaika Hepworth Clarke says, “gender is a colonial imposition.” There are so many images and messages we get about our bodies, and so, for me, the mindful part is paying attention to where the stimulus is on the body. And where I may need healing and ways I embody erotic sovereignty. So I can begin to transmute that energy into all aspects of my life.

A lot of people assume that the genitals are the only place for the body to experience pleasure and this is false. We were born with the right to feel good and to have a fulfilling life. Our sexuality is not separate from our everyday lives and either is eroticism. Urban Tantrais a book that I often use to explore this for the Masturbation Monday meetups that I facilitate on behalf of sex KiKi.

Till Next Time!

Rebeca Soto created this for sex KiKi, for more sex KiKi X’s RS inspired art sign up for our newsletter (www.sexkiki.net) she’s going to showcase quarterly. Her IG is @artbyrebeca ! Isn’t this beautiful!

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