Have you ever used a penis pump? The HydroMax 9 was my first time using any such device and I had a lot to learn! Bathmate, the creator of the HM9, has this to say about the tool (see what I did there) on their website. “If you measure between 7 and 9 inches when erect, Hydromax9 will help you improve your erection quality and personal confidence. Ideal for those who’ve outgrown other Bathmate models, this penis pump creates real, lasting improvements, with satisfaction absolutely guaranteed when you buy direct through our website.”
Does confidence really come from dick size? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like most things involving humans, I don’t think it’s that simple. But, the self-esteem speech is for another time. I’m here to tell you about how the HM9 felt on my dick, not what it did for the way I carry myself in the world. Besides, I’ve only used it twice (so far).
The HM9 is not for getting off, it’s for getting long.
Bathmate promotes the long-term gains of the tool (heh heh). [Sorry, I’m writing to y’all about a penis pump. I’m old enough to remember Pump Reeboks, so I will giggle through this entire thing.] What I mean to say is that the HM9 is a commitment. To call this a sex toy feels like a bit of a misnomer, the look, size, feel, and weight of this thing scream “device” more than toy. I also tend to define sex toys as things we play with to get us off in some way. The HM9 is not for getting off, it’s for getting long. [This stuff just writes itself.]
Before I began, I made sure to read all of the directions. I read the printed and internet directions from the manufacturer. I usually only read directions when I’m putting something together. Otherwise, I just figure things out. There were enough warning labels in the directions for me to give them a thorough twice over. I had this horrible vision of my dick swelling up like a balloon and popping like some ridiculous 80s horror movie gore scene. So, yeah I read the directions.
The first time I tried it out, I got a sense for the sensation. It was weird in the way that the erection came from the external pulling sensation instead of feeling an internal push of blood flow. How did it really feel? You know that point when your dick is being sucked and the person literally creates suction with their mouth? Sort of a suck and hold maneuver, you know? As the water pump is working its magic, that’s what it feels like. It feels like the boring part of a blowjob. That’s not a complaint, just an observation. I’m writing this for people like me who may have never tried a penis pump (still giggling) before. The HM9 isn’t really meant to feel good or get a dick off in the short-term. The HM9 is more like a regimen, that’s even how they promote it on their website. “According to several studies, a penis pump can help you achieve a stronger erection and increase your penis size as long the pump is used on a regular basis.” So, if you decide to invest in one (the model I used was ~$200) then you want to treat this like a commitment or a long-term thick for your dick game plan.
But, wait! Don’t get all humpy and pumpy!
I think the HM9 can be used for some more immediate gratification if you call in a little help. Invite two play partners over and ask each one to stimulate a non-penile erogenous zone or three while using the HM9. Combine that light stimulation with an HM9 shower or bath session and you will feel good. But, wait! Don’t get all humpy and pumpy! Play safe, this thing is not meant to be fucked, so easy on the jackhammer moves. This is a marathon not a sprint. Focus on the journey of stimulation instead of the destiny of orgasm.
Was it easy to use? It’s easy to use. Your dick will not over engorge and pop. You can still injure yourself, so please be careful, read the directions, and ignore my tongue-in-cheek advice on penis pump threesomes.
Did it work like the brochure? There were a few moments where I got a great seal, but those seals were infrequent. Then I turned it label side down (as suggested by the directions since that inversion works better on some bodies). All bodies are different and sometimes you may have to make minor tweaks because of that. Turning it worked great! I was able to get more consistent seals to my body. However, I never got a seal that was strong enough that would allow me to loosen my grip. I saw a picture of a person wearing the shower strap.
It’s designed to be used regularly in order for it to work.
What!? I never got a seal strong enough for that to happen! For the two sessions that I tried, I made about seven attempts to get a good seal. The seal was definitely better when I turned the label side down. Since I never got a strong enough seal to completely let go, I found myself just standing in the shower with both hands pressing what looked like a comically large red plastic test tube up against my pubic symphysis. It’s a 5-minute on, 5-minute off cycle of time for safety reasons. (Please don’t break your dick if you buy one, read the directions.) So, holding that for 5-minutes got boring after a while. When I removed it, my dick was engorged, but not erect. Heavy, not hard. I do plan to keep trying it out. I haven’t given up on it. It’s designed to be used regularly in order for it to work. I get that. But, after not getting a solid seal I don’t know that I could recommend it with my whole chest.