Many of us felt dommed by 2020 (not in the profound and enthusiastic way.) We’ve tried to find many ways to release emotional captivity and relinquish the burden of our qualms with this pandemic. Our typical forms of connection have been mediated with zoom calls, social distance meet-ups, and virtual hookups. All substantial ways to connect but not necessarily the best ways for us who need physical contact to be pushed to the edge of our kinky desires. The sex work community has found us bounded by trials of a country — a world that criminalizes our work and neglects our contribution to virtual innovation and economic sustainability.
According to Culture, Health & Sexuality in An International Journal for Research, Intervention and Care, “BDSM was generally described by the informants as complex and dynamic, rather than static. In their reflections, the practices are also frequently described in terms of becoming.”
Especially for BIPOC folx or non-BIPOC people who want to have intersectionality in their BDSM spaces, it’s important to be cognitive that the cornerstone of colonialism and capitalism is bondage.
In order to exercise intersectional mindfulness in bondage, it’s important to be in process with the bondage experience, understanding the possibility for change and potential triggers. Especially for BIPOC folx or non-BIPOC people who want to have intersectionality in their BDSM spaces, it’s important to be cognitive that the cornerstone of colonialism and capitalism is bondage. This can be anything from the realities of a country founded on enslavement, bondage with false ideologies of power, problematic cultural mores, or internalized white supremacy. Freeing ourselves of what bounds us to this system is the only way to actualize our freedom. Generational curses are another form of bondage that can be combated with intersectional mindfulness and changed behavior. BDSM is not separate from our personal and cultural revolutions.
It’s important when exploring bondage to meditate on the act with intersectional mindfulness. Our day to day lives and privilege influence the way we navigate kink and BDSM. Being conscious of your experiences and feelings with restraint, captivity, submission, dominance, no matter your role in the bondage experience or scene is what transforms activities of BDSM into radical spaces of belonging; a place where authentic somatic and erotic fellowship exists. The “B” in BDSM stands for bondage, the act of restraining another person via rope, velcro, tape, fabric, hooks, or anything else your imagination can cultivate within boundaries that feel liberating in solo, partnered, or group play.
In solo bondage play, I think it’s important to have a couple of people to check in with, potentially a housemate, neighbor, or someone that can physically access you fairly quickly if needed. This can look like informing them the times you’ll be engaging in play and agreed upon safety precautions i.e. call me twice before coming over to check on me, and I’ll check in when I’m done in a couple of hours, etc. This helps support your experience to ensure bondage isn’t a form of accidental or malicious self-harm. This same concept can be applied in a group or partnered situations. Essentially, having a safety protocol makes enthusiastically engaging more accessible.
In addition, I consider post-care to be a safety protocol. Some vanilla-minded people see bondage, marks on the skin from impact play, or scratches as self-harm. With intention, healing, and deliberate acts, I acknowledge the stories on our skin from acts of bondage and BDSM (rope marks, cuff markings, scratches, etc) as a revelation, spiritual queries, and beautification to be celebrated and honored. Ultimately your autonomy is pivotal to your safety at all times during bondage since trust is what enables a wholesome experience.
Bondage has been the number two safety precaution in my practice as a sex worker next to proper screening. When I was first getting into being a pro-domme, seeing new clients did a number on my anxiety. I was fixated on their intentions, sexual politics, and my risk for potential harm. These were all things I had to sit with and realized a large part was due to the criminalization of sex work. Then I incorporated a bondage policy that highlighted anywhere from light to more intense bondage is a requirement for new clients. As a sensual domina, clients expect anything from tantra, Nuru massage, to an arrangement of spiritually anchored services. Bondage isn’t always implied but it’s been a saving grace. This gave me a sense of control over my physical safety and to process the temperaments and nuance of new clients in real-time.
Firstly, during negotiation, particularly with bondage or any form of play I like to get clear on expectations/experiences with being restrained; what worked, and what hasn’t in the past. Being informed of any medical issues that impact their experience is also essential. I tend to do a 15-minute check-in throughout playtime/scenes even if the person said they can endure longer, particularly with new play partners. Although you may be aware of circulation sensitivities and the capacity of the person, or any contraindications, check-ins are a part of harm reduction.
Let’s begin with Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints. I love this for both personal and professional use. It fits any bed and is great for travel or a staycation. It’s fabulous for any size wrist, tiny to larger wrist size (I have really small wrists, so it’s the first thing I notice). The velcro isn’t sturdy, it could be tougher, meaning someone who is very strong can easily get out of it. For light-hearted or sensual play and bondage, it’s right on as far as under the bed restraints go. Don’t get me wrong, it has some sturdiness to it, it’s just not the most you can find. For its versatility and travel capacity, I give it a B+.
I also like to pair it with a mask for sensory deprivation so the submissive can’t see.
The Sportsheets Bondage Bar, I love! It’s my favorite toy to pair with prostate milking. It’s another velcro bondage item and gives support and great angles when playing. I also like to pair it with a mask for sensory deprivation so the submissive can’t see. You’ll have to facilitate their movement, however. This also helps with building better communication skills and nuance with your sub or lover. I noticed when first using this, you’ll have to say, move to the left or move to the right a bit. Some people have trouble keeping their bodies positioned during penetration particularly, so this is a great support item. For the support, angles, impact during prostate milking, and building communication during play, I give it an A+.
The Temptasia Bondage Tape is excellent for newbie bondage bb’s! I think it’s great for folx who are curious about rope but not quite ready to take that leap. It presents a low-pressure scenario, just be prepared and have safety scissors, of course. It sticks to itself, but the stick is very light — the technique is the magic of this tape; wrapping it several times around in the same spot, and not giving it too much abrupt or harsh movement. For the beginner functionality, light stickiness, and ease of transport I give this a C+.
Zoë Ligon’s collaboration with The Stockroom on the limited edition premium garment leather wrist cuffs is a luxury item. With great color, durability, superb quality, and a fit for any wrist size, these are a universal delight! Be mindful of circulation and capacity if a person is restrained, especially standing up. Folx tend to get numb or tingling sensations with having limbs in a certain position for too long. These wrist cuffs fit as snug as you need they pair well with bondage crosses and tables. I’ve even used this with metal clasps to take a velcro experience to a more sturdy experience. With the quality, color, and versatility I give these an A.
Regardless of your experience with bondage, starting with a practice based on intersectional mindfulness will position your practice to be a liberatory one. We have the power to transform our relationship with ourselves and others to be boundless when we act with care and honorable practices. The erotic power in me salutes the erotic power in you. Till next time!
KoCo Meow 🐾