Robot Blowjobs

Svakom Alex Powerful Thrusting Masturbator & Vedo Hummer BJ Masturbator

It’s March, 2020, we’re all trapped inside hiding from COVID-19, and I’m horny as hell. It’s only a slight exaggeration to say that over the past few days I’ve barely stopped masturbating long enough to eat and sleep. As much as I’d like to nap and cum all day, though, I still need to make money one way or another. Since I’m stuck inside all day with nothing to do except feel horny, I figured I’d ask my editor, Zoë Ligon, for something new to write about. She really came through.

Imagine how excited I was to get a big box in the mail containing two fancy blowjob robots: the Svakom Alex Thrusting Masturbator and the VeDO Hummer BJ Masturbator. I had never even used a masturbation sleeve before, and now my first time was going to be with some fancy, thrusting, pulsating robots. Robots I’d never be able to afford under normal circumstances! Wow, I love getting paid to cum.

Carta Monir with the Svakom Alex Powerful Thrusting Masturbator
Aside from the use of the word "wankerland," the Svakom Alex is a pretty straightforward piece of equipment.

Ok so there’s a lot to unpack about these toys! They’re both expensive and fancy, but go in very different directions in both design and packaging. The Svakom Alex is a more flamboyant toy with a truly heinous ad campaign (their slogan appears to be “Alex in Wankerland” which is…not…anything. It’s not anything). The Alex came in flashy packaging and has a speaker (!) embedded in the bottom of the toy (!!!) that can play one of five pre-recorded audio fantasies. It’s wild. On the other hand the VeDO Hummer came in kind of understated, almost industrial packaging that reminded me of a high-end gaming PC or a Bluetooth speaker.

Aside from the use of the word “wankerland,” the Svakom Alex is a pretty straightforward piece of equipment. It looks a lot like one of those magic bullet blenders. It has a dust cover and an outer cylinder made of rigid plastic, then an inner sleeve (similar to a basic fleshlight or tenga sleeve) that’s attached at its base to a motor inside the thermos-like casing of the device. With the press of a button, the sleeve will thrust back and forth, doing all the work for you. It doesn’t rotate or vibrate, but it moves back and forth quickly and effectively. You can choose between several speeds and patterns of movement.

I tried both sex robots over the course of one evening as I skyped with my girlfriend/mommy. It was really fun because she was able to direct me on how to use them on myself and I followed her instructions. Being far away from my sexual partners is difficult, but using these automated sex toys with her over Skype was a great way to feel connected, even though we were apart. It was pretty sexy!!

In practice, I had one major problem when I was using the Svakom Alex: my dick was too thick to fit into the plastic cylinder surrounding the sleeve! (I know, I know………..nice.) My dick is admittedly thicker than average (as any subscriber to my Onlyfans can tell you) but I do think that it reveals a limitation of this toy. Most sleeves have a lot of give—either they don’t have any rigid outer shell (like many Tenga toys) or there’s enough padding between the wall of the sleeve and the outer shell (like in a Fleshlight) to accommodate substantially thicker cocks. In comparison, the Svakom Alex is made to accomodate a pretty narrow range of penis sizes. The inner sleeve isn’t padded enough to compress around larger dicks, and the outer shell just isn’t wide enough. In my case, I had to choose between only fitting the top half of my dick in the sleeve, or completely removing the hard outer shell, which allowed me to go deeper but made the thrusting action much less effective, because usually the lip of the outer shell rests against the base of the penis to provide some stabilization.

I can't review the Alex without mentioning the “audio fantasies.” The fantasies get a dedicated button, one of only three on the machine!

On the plus side, the textured interior of the Alex felt good, and I found the thrusting action to be effective and pleasurable. I think that for a person with an average size dick, this toy would be really amazing. In my own case, the size constraint limited the experience enough that I wasn’t able to cum using the toy. I will definitely be using it on the next person with a penis that I hook up with, though. I think there’s a lot of really cute potential.

Cleaning the Alex was easy. The toy comes apart intuitively, and has a plug at the base that is removed during cleaning so that water can pass all the way through without pooling. I let it dry overnight, and by the morning it was completely ready for reassembly, no hassle. Honestly, it was much easier and more convenient than I expected.

I can’t review the Alex without mentioning the “audio fantasies.” The fantasies get a dedicated button, one of only three on the machine! Hold it down for two seconds and you start playback. I knew the “audio fantasies” were going to be bad (I couldn’t imagine them not being bad), but I had no idea what kind of experience they were going for. I thought that maybe the machine would pulse or thrust in time with the audio fantasy? It turns out to be nothing quite so complex. It’s almost like they built in a tiny, very limited mp3 player and attached it to a sex robot. It plays five audio files, allowing you to switch between them with double presses of the speaker button. The fantasies themselves are like short, awful radio plays…for example, you hear the sound of a beach, and then a woman says “are you having fun on the beach?” Then she moans sexually, and you can still hear the beach sound effects in the background.

In another fantasy, a woman says “hello handsome…would you like to have some fun on the plane?” You can hear plane sound effects in the background. It’s… I don’t know, maybe someone out there in the world finds this really sexy, but it’s not me. The best thing I can say about the audio fantasies is that you don’t have to engage with them at all, and if you really want to hear them there’s also a headphone jack so that you don’t have to endure the embarrassment of anyone else hearing you get off to a woman’s prerecorded voice with like…tweeting birds and tree rustling noises in the background.

Carta Monir with the Vedo Hummer BJ Masturbator

After playing with the Svakom Alex, I was extremely excited to try the luxer and more expensive VeDO Hummer. This thing looks incredible from a packaging perspective. It comes in a fancy black box, every component individually cushioned. It looks like a piece of industrial machinery, like some kind of sci-fi air compressor (which is, I guess, kind of what it is). It came with a couple instructional postcards, one of which I’m going to frame and display proudly in my home. See for yourself.

Svakom Alex Powerful Thrusting Masturbator Packaging Instructions

The other info card is much more sober, but also underscores the industrial feel of the Hummer. Look at this thing!

VeDO Hummer BJ Masturbator Packaging Instructions

Yes, the VeDO Hummer works by connecting a hose to a box that plugs directly into the wall. The box is some kind of pulsing air compressor, and the hose attaches to a silicone sleeve with a hole in the top. By plugging the hose into the sleeve and then sliding the sleeve onto a penis, a vacuum is created. The machine looks completely wild when it’s in operation…take a moment to watch this video so that you can get an idea of how it works.

As you can see, depending on the shape of your penis, the sleeve will be able to operate completely hands-free, pumping itself up and down. In my case, I wasn’t able to use it completely hands-free, but honestly I barely had to touch it…basically I just had to nudge it enough that it didn’t fall off of me, but otherwise it did do all the work by itself.

...as a milking machine, the weird smoothness and alien movement of the toy make it feel just deliciously dehumanizing.

The inside of the Hummer’s sleeve is completely smooth, I assume to help with the suction. The experience of having it on my dick was interesting. It’s an intense feeling, although a little chilly because of the way that air is being pumped directly out of the sleeve at all times. This is not a toy that feels like getting a real blowjob (or, more accurately…I guess it feels like getting a blowjob from someone who just sucked on an ice cube for a while). The width of my cock wasn’t nearly as much of an issue with this toy, partly because this doesn’t seem to be a toy designed for depth anyway. Even in the product videos I’ve seen, the machine is focusing on the upper part of the shaft, giving stimulation to the head and an inch or two below. It’s not a deepthroat machine.

In practice, the Hummer felt really nice! It wasn’t the kind of sensation that I could cum from by myself, at least not on my first try, but it kept me completely rock hard and stimulated the entire time I was using it. It honestly makes me think of a milking machine…the suction, the pulsing, the tube…and from that angle, I like the toy even more. As a masturbation sleeve, the complete lack of texture makes it relatively uninteresting, but as a milking machine, the weird smoothness and alien movement of the toy make it feel just deliciously dehumanizing. Especially with my girlfriend watching over Skype, I felt like I had plugged my dick directly into the computer…a very sci-fi experience, for sure!

Cleaning the Hummer was extremely easy. I just disconnected the hose and washed the sleeve in a sink. Like the Alex, water is able to run all the way through, so there’s no risk of pooling. I left it on a towel overnight, and by morning it was completely ready for storage.

Of the two toys, I feel like I’m much more likely to pull out the VeDO Hummer. Despite being more of a production with its hose, box, and cord, the plug-and-play nature of the toy makes it feel extremely easy to use on a whim, and knowing that it’ll completely fit my dick also makes me more likely to want to try it again. I think it’ll be extremely fun to slide onto a partner, or use when I’m being submissive myself. What a world, where I have to *choose* between two high-end blowjob machines! God…I love my job.

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