It’s the gift-giving season, and as a woman with an endless supply of sex toys and lubes, people in my life have come to expect something from my own store’s supply. I’m not trying to say that my friends and family are my gift-giving lab rats, but I have definitely gotten experimental throughout the years as their collections grow and I am forced to get more and more creative. So here we go, my holiday gift suggestions for the year, ranked from the most agreeable *hints* at sex, to the most unique gifts reserved only for the super cool perverts in your life who you might also want to bang!!!! Consider this like a sex toy iceberg for the holidays. Okay, enjoy!
Tier 1: Sexy gifts in disguise
Flintts Mints are advertised to stoners with dry mouths, but do we not all get dry mouths from time to time? Furthermore, does one not want a wet palate and fresh breath for even the most platonic of relationships?? These are the gift that keeps on giving because your friend who receives these mints will inevitably be sharing them with everyone around them when they take one out. Give them these mints and say, “Here are some very weird but cool mints that will make your mouth feel strange, but in a fascinating way that then causes you to salivate a ton. These mints remind me of you, my weird but cool friend!” This person will appreciate your attention to their mouth’s state of wetness.
Think of this as an analog theragun. Or like a gua sha thingy for your entire body.
The Roller Ball Glove is like those head-scratchers thingies – you buy them and they sit on your coffee table, but their moment to shine is at 11:42 pm when you are stoned and watching TikTok lives and want something to do with your other hand that isn’t eating snacks. Think of this as an analog theragun. Or like a gua sha thingy for your entire body. The metal balls in this mitt are cool at first, then warm up as you use them, and are a great way to get blood flowing and wake up your senses. Give your friend this mitt and be like, “you seem like the kind of person who peruses TikTok lives right before midnight, here’s a little something you can do with that other hand!”
Maybe I’m reaching by considering this a tier 1 gift, but come on there are raunchier things than this candle in the Met. Not only does the LaCire Torso Candle provide ~ambiance~, it is also a toy that can be used as a BDSM sensation tool – it lets you drip hot wax that feels warm but not *too* hot onto the body.
Tier 2: A hint of spice
I simply cannot stress how useful this Momotaro Tonic oil is. Put it in a bath. Put it on your bits externally for relief. Rub it on your chest and/or butt cheeks for glimmering assets, and smell great while you’re at it! This is just subtly sexy enough that you’re giving a wink wink with this gift, but can easily also just play it off as a personal care product.
If you’ve ever dreamt of being platonically cumpt-on with all your buddies as witnesses, the Cum Face game is for you.
If you’ve ever dreamt of being platonically cumpt-on with all your buddies as witnesses, the Cum Face game is for you. You’re going to look and feel ridiculous jacking off this plastic dick, and I guarantee you will laugh. PROVE that you can indeed jack off faster than your peers! Be sure to provide wrist guards as a side gift for this one, we don’t want any Cum Face related strain on their wrists.
“I’m so lonely at night!” is something your friend will simply never utter again for as long as they shall live. Who can be lonely with a stuffed… penis! In a variety of sizes and colors, this Penis Stuffy is not intended to stuff your sexy holes, just the big gaping holes in your heart that require the warm embrace of a penis-shaped pillow.
Tier 3: Alright, here is a sex toy!
The Spectrum Essentials Compact is the vibrator for someone who LOVES their wands but wants something that can fit between bodies more easily. If they know about Spectrum Boutique, then they will be equally jazzed that you got them our FIRST-EVER IN-HOUSE LINE! But it’s okay even if they don’t the quality will speak for itself. They will be like, “Thank you for giving me the best vibrating bean I have ever laid eyes on! It looks like a thick Pringle and I love it!”
Give the Waterslyde to someone who disappears into the bathroom for hours at a time, just make sure they have a tub! Here’s a great icebreaker for this gift, “Hey I know you love scootching your amazing crotch under the tub faucet for sexual stimulation purposes, so let me make that easier for you!” That will not only explain the product to them but let them know that you care about their tub-time comfort like any true friend or partner should.
“Here’s a card game that doesn’t involve pegging, unless you want it to! (DRAMATIC WINK)”
“Here’s a card game that doesn’t involve pegging, unless you want it to! (DRAMATIC WINK)” This joke will only land if your recipient is an adamant fan of the card game cribbage, so be sure to know your audience. The Sex Talk couples card game is much more enticing than cribbage, so either way, it’s going to be a hit and start a lot of constructive conversations.
Tier 4: Guess what I got you this year, MORE FUCKIN DILDOS!
Clone-A-Pussy Plus is a gift for that person who likes embroidery and wood whittling, crafts that take time and patience from a true artist. Making your fuckhole into a usable replica has NEVER been easier! This friend is probably used to your antics by now if they’re a tier 4 friend, so they will probably have fun quips like, “You certainly didn’t get this from Michaels!” Then they will mold their pussy or butt hole and then waggle it at you like a sword the next time they see you and say it’s the “Attack of the Clone(s)”.
The Gawk Gawk has no desire to hide its true identity, it simply is a relentless sucking orifice that wants to extract your cum.
Yell, “GOT MILK?” and then make loud suction noises with your mouth when you give this absolute treat to your giftee. The Gawk Gawk has no desire to hide its true identity, it simply is a relentless sucking orifice that wants to extract your cum. Let this deep sea anemone steal the gift exchange!!!
No one knows they need a Tentacle Grinder until they see it with their own two eyes, then it’s ALL OVER. It’s all you’ll be able to think about. This humping toy is a work of art that no one can resist. It’s big, soft, and squishy, and… nautical? Chewier than calamari, and so much better for you 😉
Tier 5: Dildo enlightenment (ര ‿ ര )╰⋃╯( ͜ₒ ㅅ ͜ ₒ)
Take your giftee to POUND TOWN with the Fort Troff Gunner. This is for the person in your life who needs their hole aggressively and enthusiastically filled. A fuck machine is a great way to tell that special someone that you care about them, and that you want them to be mechanically railed by a machine. Give them this gift and say, “Oh it’s nothing, it’s just a little something I picked up at Home Goods…” then exaggeratedly wink at them.
This is for the friend who sends you piss-related memes and wants to be a human piss jar (we exist!)
Sometimes your loved ones have a potty mouth, so let them know that their mouth is a literal potty with this thoughtful Oxballs Watersports Gag. This is for the friend who sends you piss-related memes and wants to be a human piss jar (we exist!) Personally, I would never forget being gifted this urinal-esque facial attachment, and if you want to be an unforgettable gift giver, I can’t see how you could top this. Wrap it up nice and say, “Hey buddy I care about you and want you to be hydrated, so here is a way for you to drink liquids more efficiently. Your body deserves to be the piss luge that it was meant to be.” A real friend will adore this.
Bring this gift all wrapped up and looking pretty, then drop it on the ground for a dramatic effect. It will hit the ground with a resounding THUD and then bounce or even wiggle and this heavy dildo settles. Your friend will be MESMERIZED by your dramatic entrance and gift-dropping gag, then slightly in shock when they see that you have bought them a TANTUS CONE SQUAT ANAL TRAILER. Tell them they’re juicy, and that they deserve items that will juice them as hard as they ought to be juiced. For bonus points, let them know that posting a selfie with it online will be a surefire way to grab their followers’ attention!
Well, there you have it. I hope I have guided you in some way! Remember, all tiers of giftees are important recipients, no matter where they fall on the iceberg of your gift-giving endeavors – and don’t forget to use my handy icebreakers when giving your gifts. If you can’t handle me at my Urinal Piss-Gag, honestly you still deserve Flintts Mints.