12 Feb NO RETURN SERVICE: Sigga Dögg shares the beauty of consensual one-sided pleasure
With voyeuristic intentions
You masturbate. As hard or as slow as you need. With as many fingers as you need.
Or the palm. Or the fist.
You do you.
Like only you can do you.
You allow your spread out vulva to breathe.
Maybe you give your partner permission to speak.
Maybe you pull the covers over you and go to sleep.
Maybe you put on your clothes and get back to work.
This is sex. This is intimacy. This is pleasure. This is a partnered activity.
Spaced out on sensation
I have painted this scene over and over in lectures. The audience’s response is mixed. I have been kicked out of gatherings, as I was told I was ruder than everything rude. So crass, so pornographic, just too much. Others have have wondered where is the pleasure for the passive partner (not fathoming the pleasure that can be derived from watching your partners pure pleasure, oh la la!).
Some think this is basic sex that everybody does. Some even nod their heads proudly in acknowledgment that their superstar of a partner has done this (or does this every once in a while), while others gape and ask if I can give their partner direct directions via text. Now.
Masturbation seems so basic. So innate and mundane and even boring.
It’s just something you do.
A lot of vulvas hesitate to discuss masturbation amongst their friends and some even believe that it should not be a part of your sex life when you are in a relationship.
But what are we as sexual beings without masturbation?
The release, the pleasure, the empowerment, the me-time.
Having a hard time getting to sleep? Masturbate.
Having PMS? Masturbate.
Bored at work? Masturbate.
Lounging around home? Masturbate.
Taking a shower? Masturbate.
Surfing online? Masturbate.
Masturbation is one of the pillars of learning about sex. Because it is so basic.
So around in circles we go. How do you know what you like and how you like it, if you haven´t or can’t pleasure yourself?
This is sex for you by you.
And it feels good.
When I think about you, I touch myself
First by yourself and then with partner as described above.
The goal is to push your sexual pleasure further and to expand your ideas of sex, both for you and for your partner. Make peace with your vulva and learn to enjoy it for all its juicy deliciousness. Give yourself permission and time. Even though you might not orgasm, it can feel good to just check-in and give a little bit of manual love. Have fun with it. One finger, two fingers, three fingers… How many fingers can you fit?! Or nothing goes in. Experiment.
Call it your “guilty pleasure” if you require an excuse.
(Although I think a guilty pleasure is an oxymoron but that’s another story)
Now that you have checked both masturbatory boxes, let’s move on.
Have you asked for sex for from your partner that is mainly about your pleasure?
You arrive home from work / school / life.
You ask your partner to go down on you until you come.
Said partner is fully clothed.
Performs the deed until orgasm has been reached. Or until you desire no more.
You take a nap.
Partner leaves you in peace.
Partner cooks / takes care of kids / feeds cat. Whatever chores await, they see to them.
The nap is just a nap. Not a full eight hour government sleep, just enough to restore energy and allow the body to fully immerse itself in the orgasmic state.
You are not required to return the favor.
Sex is not a quid-pro-quo type of situation. It can be one body, one pleasure, and that’s fine.
Think of how sex has been in the past, especially for all them vulvas. They definitely know that sex and pleasure are not always intertwined and that partnered sex does not always, dare I say seldom, results in orgasm for both parties. And that’s ok.
Frustrating. Maybe even unfair, but still reality.
That’s why it’s also okay if sex is sometimes just about you.
Let the vulva take control. Let the vulva know that pleasure can be had with partner but that is the vulva owners responsibility to enjoy it.
You are responsible for your pleasure, your fantasies, your orgasms.
Not your partner.
They might help or hinder, but it is on you to allow pleasure and to work out how to achieve it.
What works for you, works. So give directions.
But also, allow partner to pleasure you without expectations to return the favor.
And lay it on the table (or bed).
“Do you wanna do me and just do me?”
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Now that you have asked for sex, can you offer it?
Your partner is working on computer / watching TV / pondering life.
You say, “Hey, I really want to make you come, can I give you some manual hand stimulation?“
(You might choose to word this differently, this may feel a bit IKEA to you)
Partner replies, “Why yes, I would like you to stimulate me until orgasm, what a lovely offer, I accept.”
Partner gets comfortable. Access to genitals is granted. You jizz some lube in your hand (being the proper Scout that you are, you came prepared).
And you get to work.
Kissing is suggested but not mandatory.
Partner orgasms. Or asks you to stop when they have had enough.
“You are most welcome,” is your reply.
You go on about your business as does your partner.
Sex can be a one way street.
That doesn’t make it any less intimate or less enjoyable.
They key here is control and structure.
It is what it is. No, maybe it will turn into…one thing will lead into… No. It just this.
You don’t order off-menu. We are only serving what is on the menu and these are today’s specials. So let your partner know if they have choice or if you are only serving up one plate.
Offering pleasure is different from being expected to provide pleasure.
Offering the pleasure you are capable of, when you are capable of it, is also crucial.
Sometimes you want to be intimate with your partner but you do not want your genitals to be a direct part of it. This might arouse you and you might want to masturbate thinking about it.
And that’s OK.
Sex with another person is nuanced and dependent on taste, mood, weather and astral alignment (I can only speculate, people are unpredictable.)
That’s why we have to think about it in a new way and tear down the shimmers of romanticism and spontaneity and mutualism. Sex can be whatever you decide it is. So give it a try.
Free your sex, and the rest will follow.
Sigga Dögg is Iceland’s leading sex educator and writer. She has a degree in psychology and a master’s degree in sexology from Curtin University in Australia. Her main focus is on a humorous and honest all-inclusive sex-positive sexual education, through media, lectures in schools and stand-up comedy shows. She is a regular commentator on sexual matters for reporters, both in print and on screen, and has co-written and hosted a television show about sex. She written three books about sex, and advised on scripts for theater productions and various publications, in addition to hosting her own live radio show and two podcasts. Sigga Dögg is also the president of Kynís, The Icelandic Sexology Association. And married with kids and a cat.