Positively Kinky

Positively Kinky

Exploring Kink to Strengthen Connection and Intimacy in Relationships

 

Wikipedia defines Kink as ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. We have all practiced, fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with ideas that create arousal in our bodies.

You don’t need to be excited by pain, bondage and humiliation to be kinky. You might prefer foot worship or a sensual spanking or the smell of leather while you’re blindfolded. Kink teaches you how to use your erotic mind to discover what turns you on. Couples who become sexual explorers together acknowledge and honor each other’s ongoing sexual evolution. They begin see their partners with fresh eyes and renewed appreciation.

Kink is physical, it’s psychological, it’s deep, it’s fun, it’s intense, it’s playful. It’s whatever you decide you want it to be. And most often it’s about relationship.

From a couple’s perspective it can deepen connection, heighten pleasure and sometimes heal our pain. For instance, patterns and challenges within a relationship can be explored through role-play. Partners can agree to switch their dynamic to feel a different perspective. If one partner is always leading, they can feel what it’s like to follow. Sometimes feelings can be processed through somatic experiencing rather than words. We learn to give and receive, to trust and surrender. It opens us to deeper intimacy and most importantly it enables us to see our partners with fresh eyes, creating the passion and erotic connection we long for.

Here are just 4 of the many ways kink teaches us about relationships and being a better lover to our partners.

1. Communication. The yes’s and the no’s of consent

One of kink’s highly praised attributes is communication. One of the first things you learn in kink classes is how to skillfully ‘negotiate a scene.’ Simply put, it means communicating with your partner about desires, expectations and limits. Sitting down together and taking the time to negotiate a scene lets a couple relax knowing their desires have been expressed and they can begin their encounter on the same page. This is the kind of consent conversation that needs to happen prior to any erotic activity. How much better would all of our relationships be if we learned and practiced the communication skills it takes to negotiate a scene? You have to talk about sex if you want better sex. And the more you do it, the more natural and fun it becomes. Making plans, sharing fantasies, forming agreements, expressing desires, showing appreciation, they all start with words. The kink community puts a premium on the skills of communication and consent.

2. Education. Take each other back to school.

After learning to communicate your sexual thoughts and desires you may find interest in trying new things. This is where you start your journey as sexual explorers.

In the Bay Area, there are endless ways of enhancing your kinky education: workshops, sex coaching, weekend adventures, conventions, retreats, public and private dungeons, sex toy stores, street fairs — San Francisco prides itself in the sanctuary it’s created to celebrate sexual diversity.

Wherever you have internet access, kink education is available. Take your time to find education that appeals to your particular tastes. Discover what turns you on. You may share the same erotic tastes with your partner or you may not. That’s ok. Appreciate your differences. It’s a journey and like the beginning of any journey, if you’re open to new adventures you will learn about yourself and each other along the way. Accept your partner’s desires with an open mind. Judgment and shame can bring a quick end to honest sharing. Make the commitment to embrace and support each other’s erotic growth. It’s the most valuable gift we can give our partner and it comes from a secure and generous heart.

Before you learn about Japanese rope ties or what style of flogger to spend your money on, learn how to be safe and ethical in your interactions with others, how to set and honor clear boundaries, how to stay mindful and present, how to respect your partner’s needs and stay empathetic to their feelings. Kink education teaches the foundations of how to be a better lover by first learning how to be a better human.

3. Novelty. It’s an inside job.

Novelty is one of the key factors in heightening our sexual passion, and more than loss of love, it is the desire for novelty that will lead most people into secret lives and casual sex outside of a relationship.

An illicit affair may be the most common approach to finding novelty, but the consequences are far-reaching and emotionally damaging for all involved. Kink offers us the experience of novelty within our relationship by opening doorways into different aspects of ourselves. We give each other permission to step out of our day-to-day personas and explore the less expressed sides of ourselves that our partners may rarely see. A dominant partner may find pleasure in letting go of control. A submissive partner may discover their personal power by taking charge. We all share collective archetypal personas that can add variety and dimension to an erotic encounter and create the novelty that leads us back to passion. You don’t need to find a new partner to be with someone new.

4. Play

The best way to stay young and maintain our commitment in relationship is to have fun together. “Play” is a word commonly used in the kink community to describe engaging with another person. If you’re getting together with someone for some kinky ‘play’ you might refer to it as a ‘play date’. Most of us rarely use the word play when it comes to adult activities other than sports. Doing so serves to remind us of the childlike enjoyment we can bring to our erotic lives. Find ways to feel playful with each other. Think of making a play date with your partner. Plan your next sexual encounter from a playful perspective that you think might appeal to them. Laughter is one of life’s great aphrodisiacs.

There are many ways to engage in the world of kink, whether you explore online, keep it in the privacy of your bedroom, or you venture out to local events to meet others just like you. Become explorers together and take yourselves back to school. Enjoy seeing your partner with fresh eyes and learn to listen to their desires with great interest. ‘Negotiate a scene’ so desires are clearly expressed. Talk about sex regularly with curiosity and an open heart and bring a beginner’s mind to your erotic lives.

Erobay is a kink/bdsm events calendar for the Bay Area and a great place to start your exploring.

Corinne Farago is a Somatic Sex and Intimacy Coach and Sex Educator in Mill Valley, California. She offers personal coaching for couples and individuals.

Want to hear more from Corinne? Listen to her free webinar and sign up for her 6 week online course, Erotic Power Play for Inquisitive Couples, which starts on June 12th, 2019.

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