First things first, BDSM stands for bondage/discipline, submission/dominance, and sadism/masochism.
- Bondage and discipline: Bondage focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as cuffs, ropes, blindfolds, etc. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to follow rules or perform certain acts.
- Dominance and submission: This describes the act of giving submission to another person. Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be performed sexually or through acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom). While for others, the roles are only taken for special occasions.
- Sadism and masochism: The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. This is all done after a lot of communication and boundary setting.
Keep in mind for some folks, BDSM might not ever even involve sex or penetration, heck you might not even touch your partner depending on what’s going on in the scene. The only thing that every scene involves is consent. And just so we’re all on the same page, enthusiastic consent is a mutual verbal, physical, and emotional agreement that happens without manipulation or physical threats. Consent is mutual for the top and the bottom and is ongoing in the scene and can be revoked at any point. Meaning you can stop at any time, you can change your mind, and just because you said yes to one thing doesn’t mean you have consented to anything else in the scene. So if you’ve consented to spanking, it doesn’t mean you’ve consented to anal penetration. Everything is an ongoing conversation that you can change your mind about at any point. Even if you are playing around with saying no in a scene you create safe words where you know to stop when someone truly means no, so saying something like “Red” to mean full stop or “Yellow” to mean slow down in the middle of a scene can indicate that your partner needs a break or to communicate to stop what’s currently happening.
FIGURE OUT YOUR FANTASY
That’s the trick to making your BDSM experience the best, is figuring out what about it turns you on. What about it is your unique fantasy. Find some inspiration from reading books about BDSM or exploring porn or erotica. Or just writing down some of your own fantasies and seeing what your mind can come up with before you get your erotic tools to live out your fantasies.
IMPACT PLAY
Does spanking turn you on? Then a paddle will be a good place to start, then you can narrow it down even further to something like this advanced acrylic paddle with holes to amp up the intensity of the impact on your bottom. There are thuddier paddles like the Thuddy leather beater which has a nice short handle to give you a lot of control over where you land the impact, or the Heart paddle where you can caress your bottoms skin with the soft fur and paddle their bottom.
Does stingy impact interest you? A classic riding crop gives you a longer reach and the edge padded crop will ease you in with a nice thud, The cheeky Hand crop is a fun addition to your toy box, or the classic Ruff-ined Crop is a classic for a reason.
Choose a classic flogger for your impact needs. Anything from a super soft Bunny flogger, to it’s polar opposite metal tipped gear flogger, to a double duty flogger with a glass handle you can also use as a dildo, to a beautiful necklace that can double as a flogger in a pinch. Finger floggers for even making it easier and more ergonomic to hold and hit your bottom, the options are endless!
SENSORY PLAY & DEPRIVIATION
Sensory deprivation is a fancy way of saying a blindfold! Even the most vanilla person has used a blindfold before. Using a blindfold is an easy way to heighten the rest of your senses because as soon as you take away the sense of sight, your other senses, like your sense of touch, are automatically heightened. So you can run a feather tickler on their skin or amp it up a bit with a pinwheel!
Electro-play is a fun sensation play that uses static electricity to tease the skin. The Violet Wand is simple and electrifying and comes with 4 different attachments to experiment with. Then grab Silver talon set, Vampire Nail set, or Cat Claw and tease scratch or amp up your violet wand, especially if you have a body contact cable that electrifies your body in the Explorer Kit!
AFTERCARE
After care is an essential part of BDSM, where both partners wind down together after the scene. You get a bunch of endorphins and even sometimes an adrenaline boost! However, the drop after the scene can be harsh, so planning for that can be so important! Aftercare is an attempt to soothe that, often by cuddling, cleaning up, or just reflecting on the scene. Aftercare is going to be different for everyone and should be discussed between partners prior to the start of the scenes.
